i thot of doin a series of posts on my fav movies... supposed i would love it... to let me "publicise" some good things i like to share... if u duno, i love watchin movies and occasionally drama serials... not exactly at the theatres, but snappin up the dvd or vcd n take it in in my comfort n at my own pace... the featured films are of course selected w discretion, n only those that touched or moved me... even if it's only a small extent, because i feel tt those w potential should be given credit as well...
黑暗中，总有心心相惜的敌人。
ive watched this 3times i think... it is supposed to be n would be remembered by many as a cop-hitman tangle, but it's 1 of those movies tt made me cry really hard coz of the background the main plot is based on... n lead man aaron kwok really delivered... no surprise he won a Golden Horse for this... Suen(aaron) is out to nab a corrupt businessman(gallen lo), but w justice seemingly at hand, a key witness was assassinated right before his eyes, by hitman Coke(daniel wu)... on the side of the corrupt is To(ekin cheng), the lawyer for the businessman, who gains his fame by workin for the villains... Suen n To look to be potential
Friday, December 22, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
losin myself
was it something new, or a re-discovery? tt feelin seems refreshinly possessin, yet uncannily familiar...
in the most absent-minded fashion, i was locked out of my empty house, n in the subsequent 2hr wait, on the contrary, i fully enjoyed myself... tt feelin is indescribable... i couldn't possibly stand there for this whole time, so i strolled to my estate park... n lost myself... feelin an amazin ease n comfort i lied down on the park bench, gazed, yet aimlessly, at the nite sky, w my mp3 plugged in... i still rmb Nicky's 影子, Mandy Moore's Have a Little Faith in Me, Peter Ho's 真心话 n P. Diddy's I Need a Girl played out... then i went to the swing... it was electrifyin... feelin ur body so light n airy on the swing, w music in ur ears, it's perfect... RHCP's By The Way, Usher's You Remind Me, Sam Lee's 最近, Jay Chou's 一路向北, Oasis' Stop Crying Your Heart Out, Yellowcard's Only One, Houston's I Like Dat, Guang Liang/Xiao Mei's 對你有感覺... i started singin out as if im havin a solo concert... haha... then i came off, sang further, n started dancin... the nite away...
i believe many of u would have experienced something like tt, n would understand... rather unexpectedly, i lost myself in the moment...
omg am i slowly returnin to tt old solitudinous relief complex tt frens have tried to shake me out of...
in the most absent-minded fashion, i was locked out of my empty house, n in the subsequent 2hr wait, on the contrary, i fully enjoyed myself... tt feelin is indescribable... i couldn't possibly stand there for this whole time, so i strolled to my estate park... n lost myself... feelin an amazin ease n comfort i lied down on the park bench, gazed, yet aimlessly, at the nite sky, w my mp3 plugged in... i still rmb Nicky's 影子, Mandy Moore's Have a Little Faith in Me, Peter Ho's 真心话 n P. Diddy's I Need a Girl played out... then i went to the swing... it was electrifyin... feelin ur body so light n airy on the swing, w music in ur ears, it's perfect... RHCP's By The Way, Usher's You Remind Me, Sam Lee's 最近, Jay Chou's 一路向北, Oasis' Stop Crying Your Heart Out, Yellowcard's Only One, Houston's I Like Dat, Guang Liang/Xiao Mei's 對你有感覺... i started singin out as if im havin a solo concert... haha... then i came off, sang further, n started dancin... the nite away...
i believe many of u would have experienced something like tt, n would understand... rather unexpectedly, i lost myself in the moment...
omg am i slowly returnin to tt old solitudinous relief complex tt frens have tried to shake me out of...
Saturday, November 18, 2006
a long kiss goodbye
n CSM said...
"ur a role model for all the Specialists"...
-dated 071106, ORD-
my sincere farewell to all in Signal Coy... be it people i liked or disliked... if u were there, i still shook ur hand... pity many weren't around... comrades-in-arms, i would like to remember all of u as... no matter how i felt abt the place... it still made up part of my NS memories...
"ur a role model for all the Specialists"...
-dated 071106, ORD-
my sincere farewell to all in Signal Coy... be it people i liked or disliked... if u were there, i still shook ur hand... pity many weren't around... comrades-in-arms, i would like to remember all of u as... no matter how i felt abt the place... it still made up part of my NS memories...
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
the way i like it...
i was outside... n i saw tiz girl... im not delving into how hot or attractive she is... put it tiz way, she's juz who she is... it was juz an accidental notice... i turned n saw her, holding some finger food, apparently a bun or sth... she glanced at me as well, n started chomping on her food so naturally... at tt moment, i thot it looked so cute n endearing... not her, but wat she did... bcoz, she didnt care how there were eyes, n wat those eyes may be thinkin... tell me, do u think it's easy to be chomping on food alone in a v public place, like a bus stop or walkin in the mall?
natural... tt abandon... feeling n having no restrictions... doing it the way she likes it... "who cares about their opinions?"... i think tts a quality... n it's a quality i look for in my partner... maybe it's a shadow of someone i once knew... maybe... i duno... but it's not a must lah, im not being selective n picky... still, nth wrong in having hope n ideals rite? haha... (hey, no stress ya? though i don't think u even read tiz blog)... when u can do such things so naturally, more often than not u can love freely as well... it's like a linked thing u know? to me lah, haha... n tts important... loving freely is an assurance... there are so many superficial relationships on the streets bcoz partners hide things...
how many of us can be so natural? i honestly haven seen many... n i know for 1 tt i myself cant be... to disregard the people n circumstances around us isnt easy... but to be able to is simply lovely...
natural... tt abandon... feeling n having no restrictions... doing it the way she likes it... "who cares about their opinions?"... i think tts a quality... n it's a quality i look for in my partner... maybe it's a shadow of someone i once knew... maybe... i duno... but it's not a must lah, im not being selective n picky... still, nth wrong in having hope n ideals rite? haha... (hey, no stress ya? though i don't think u even read tiz blog)... when u can do such things so naturally, more often than not u can love freely as well... it's like a linked thing u know? to me lah, haha... n tts important... loving freely is an assurance... there are so many superficial relationships on the streets bcoz partners hide things...
how many of us can be so natural? i honestly haven seen many... n i know for 1 tt i myself cant be... to disregard the people n circumstances around us isnt easy... but to be able to is simply lovely...
Saturday, October 07, 2006
them...
beside my bed... ive 2 large windows, n they have curtains... u see, these windows face the sun in the mornin... every mornin, my bed (hence, me as well), will be heated up... burnt... simply crazy to sleep... can imagine ya? irritated in ur sleep... sometimes i draw the curtains the previous nite, which can make the room quite stuffy... sometimes i juz unwillinly climb outta bed in the mornin to draw em... other times, i wake up at 11am (when i get to enjoy tt), fresh n lazy, coz the curtains have been drawn some time in my sleep n saved me from the trouble n sunburn...
beside my life... ive a dad... i don't know him well, n we don't really talk much... but i know he's a great dad... more so, a father... if u get wat i mean... always there, never backin off from his responsibilities... still, there's something between him n i... yet still, blood's thicker than water, n we both acknowledge it... however unspoken it is... n tiz early mornin i got a little restless in bed, n in my half-asleep mode, i saw my dad, quietly walked in... n drew the curtains...
there are definitely these people in ur life... not moved by me yet? juz slow down, take a look around... u will find em... it'll be ur greatest gift...
beside my life... ive a dad... i don't know him well, n we don't really talk much... but i know he's a great dad... more so, a father... if u get wat i mean... always there, never backin off from his responsibilities... still, there's something between him n i... yet still, blood's thicker than water, n we both acknowledge it... however unspoken it is... n tiz early mornin i got a little restless in bed, n in my half-asleep mode, i saw my dad, quietly walked in... n drew the curtains...
there are definitely these people in ur life... not moved by me yet? juz slow down, take a look around... u will find em... it'll be ur greatest gift...
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
the road to ORD
im a month into off/leave... i haven clear Combat Shoot n 2nd year SOC... n i expected to be goin back for it... n the calls came in succession...
i went back a day earlier, for IMT... w tt Marksman on my left arm, ive a standard to maintain... it was a breeze then... but it wasnt necessary, i realised... aiyo! should hav gone back a day later lah... range day, my team was changed, n in came C4 sir, alvin, n tt big fat obnoxious clown medic leslie... weixin hit 29/30, i hit 28/30... but the 200 bucks flew away when our teammates, except alvin(u were great), screwed up their firing...
we are Specialists, we cant ORD w/o clearin a basic SOC... ive been trainin... goin for runs almost everyday while at home... day before Combat Shoot, i even went for a conditionin n route familiarisation (only my 2nd SOC in unit leh!) in SBO(minus helmet n rifle; plus 2 full bottles n 4 dummy magazines)... weixin was laughin at me, as usual, when he saw... "aiya now then train, got wat use! don't clear ur SOC earlier, now muz come back durin ORD off/leave to slog, haha" (sidenote: 3SG Ang Weixin is the only non-officer who pass SOC in tiz unit, in 9:10mins)... lucky i understand him, he always speak on impulse, n seldom mean it, n i disregarded his words... btw OC promised 3 day-off for passin SOC... i thot it was ridiculous... anw i didnt think i'd pass...
blow-by-blow account...
reached gatherin point- most looked at me w half-awe-half-alien eyes... why? jasper said, "juz look at Sgt Tianping's webbin, can confirm wat's the standard load liao"... i had removed my webbing stuff to the minimum load (sidenote: ive always, since Sispec, done SOC w all my Gortex, torch, rubber tapes, gloves, ration sachets, utensils etc)... weixin appeared, "can or not? haha"... zhongyuan saw me, "wah, ur back! my competitor come already"... too much attention... im doin my mental build-up, haha...
start point- was goin about my pre-SOC ritual n accidentally smacked my rifle butt into my face! specs were dislocated... aiya fuck it juz continue lah... my original detail comprisin of ORD personnel was reshuffled to supposedly create the fittest n most passable group... so ive benjy, commando, jasper, minhui n C4 sir w me... intimidatin but motivatin...
1st 700m- minhui went flyin off! i had told him the strategy of doin fast runs but slow obstacles, n he chionged... the best runner in my unit, whose SOC's only stumble's at jacob's ladder... jasper, who has never done SOC before, was hence paced by him... commando got nervous n followed... me, benjy n C4 controlled ourselves (we SOC lao jiaos wat!) n were trailin almost 60m... i was gettin breathless, but my load felt damn light...
low wall- commando got stuck... benjy beside me... i felt a 1st pain in my knee when i landed...
parallel bar- minhui surprisinly got stuck... arms felt strong, n the 1st time i thot tiz station is easy... felt 2nd pain in my knee when i landed...
low rope- reached jasper... but i was regainin myself so long tt he completed it, before benjy did too... felt 3rd pain in my knee when i landed...
swingin bridge- benjy stopped here for a breather, i juz hopped thru it...
balancin beam- felt 4th pain in my knee when i landed...
the gate- reached jasper...
jacob's ladder- 1st time i felt so unafraid n steady on it... maybe im really still fresh, which minimises the fear n wobbly legs...
high ramp- felt 5th pain in my knee when i landed...
last 600m- i ran like a monster... ive never done tiz lap in sucha fast speed n short time... i juz got fresher when i left the high ramp... n i didnt wan anyone to catch up from behind, especially minhui... now im left w jasper 15m ahead... n i overtook him w 300m left...
8:59mins... not a superb timing, but Personal-Best... durin Sispec was 9:06mins... any ORD personnel did SOC faster than their command school days? now im 1 month from ORD, n ive still 5 off days to fill up my already-packed calendar w...
it's currently 38hours after the test... n my knee feel spoilt... shit... it has taken its toll...
i went back a day earlier, for IMT... w tt Marksman on my left arm, ive a standard to maintain... it was a breeze then... but it wasnt necessary, i realised... aiyo! should hav gone back a day later lah... range day, my team was changed, n in came C4 sir, alvin, n tt big fat obnoxious clown medic leslie... weixin hit 29/30, i hit 28/30... but the 200 bucks flew away when our teammates, except alvin(u were great), screwed up their firing...
we are Specialists, we cant ORD w/o clearin a basic SOC... ive been trainin... goin for runs almost everyday while at home... day before Combat Shoot, i even went for a conditionin n route familiarisation (only my 2nd SOC in unit leh!) in SBO(minus helmet n rifle; plus 2 full bottles n 4 dummy magazines)... weixin was laughin at me, as usual, when he saw... "aiya now then train, got wat use! don't clear ur SOC earlier, now muz come back durin ORD off/leave to slog, haha" (sidenote: 3SG Ang Weixin is the only non-officer who pass SOC in tiz unit, in 9:10mins)... lucky i understand him, he always speak on impulse, n seldom mean it, n i disregarded his words... btw OC promised 3 day-off for passin SOC... i thot it was ridiculous... anw i didnt think i'd pass...
blow-by-blow account...
reached gatherin point- most looked at me w half-awe-half-alien eyes... why? jasper said, "juz look at Sgt Tianping's webbin, can confirm wat's the standard load liao"... i had removed my webbing stuff to the minimum load (sidenote: ive always, since Sispec, done SOC w all my Gortex, torch, rubber tapes, gloves, ration sachets, utensils etc)... weixin appeared, "can or not? haha"... zhongyuan saw me, "wah, ur back! my competitor come already"... too much attention... im doin my mental build-up, haha...
start point- was goin about my pre-SOC ritual n accidentally smacked my rifle butt into my face! specs were dislocated... aiya fuck it juz continue lah... my original detail comprisin of ORD personnel was reshuffled to supposedly create the fittest n most passable group... so ive benjy, commando, jasper, minhui n C4 sir w me... intimidatin but motivatin...
1st 700m- minhui went flyin off! i had told him the strategy of doin fast runs but slow obstacles, n he chionged... the best runner in my unit, whose SOC's only stumble's at jacob's ladder... jasper, who has never done SOC before, was hence paced by him... commando got nervous n followed... me, benjy n C4 controlled ourselves (we SOC lao jiaos wat!) n were trailin almost 60m... i was gettin breathless, but my load felt damn light...
low wall- commando got stuck... benjy beside me... i felt a 1st pain in my knee when i landed...
parallel bar- minhui surprisinly got stuck... arms felt strong, n the 1st time i thot tiz station is easy... felt 2nd pain in my knee when i landed...
low rope- reached jasper... but i was regainin myself so long tt he completed it, before benjy did too... felt 3rd pain in my knee when i landed...
swingin bridge- benjy stopped here for a breather, i juz hopped thru it...
balancin beam- felt 4th pain in my knee when i landed...
the gate- reached jasper...
jacob's ladder- 1st time i felt so unafraid n steady on it... maybe im really still fresh, which minimises the fear n wobbly legs...
high ramp- felt 5th pain in my knee when i landed...
last 600m- i ran like a monster... ive never done tiz lap in sucha fast speed n short time... i juz got fresher when i left the high ramp... n i didnt wan anyone to catch up from behind, especially minhui... now im left w jasper 15m ahead... n i overtook him w 300m left...
8:59mins... not a superb timing, but Personal-Best... durin Sispec was 9:06mins... any ORD personnel did SOC faster than their command school days? now im 1 month from ORD, n ive still 5 off days to fill up my already-packed calendar w...
it's currently 38hours after the test... n my knee feel spoilt... shit... it has taken its toll...
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
premonition
[X day] i dreamt... i had involuntarily fell off a MRT station platform n onto the track... in a flash n unexpectedly a train was juz seconds away from me... i froze juz for a moment, before reactin by turnin into a tight corridor... the train rushed past me... i waited as it pulled away, then i climbed out from the sorry state...
[X day + a few days] news... a man had in his depression pushed his ex-girlfriend onto the MRT track, juz before a train arrived... she reacted fast enough to hop onto a tight corridor as the train rushed past her... she was safe, n climbed out afterwards... he was charged w attempted murder...
how eerie...
[X day + a few days] news... a man had in his depression pushed his ex-girlfriend onto the MRT track, juz before a train arrived... she reacted fast enough to hop onto a tight corridor as the train rushed past her... she was safe, n climbed out afterwards... he was charged w attempted murder...
how eerie...
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
time
i completed my ACCT, n is ready for ORD! it was fun lah... ICCT fightin's siong bcoz of the gruellin use of the upper body... in ACCT we can kick as well... n of course, the syllabus is more straightforward n logical, w nicer instructors... oh shit i haven clear SOC n combat shoot...
oh yes... the 8SAB soccer team were then thrashed 5-1 by a super strong 40SAR n lost 3-1 to last year's champs 2SIR... in the 40SAR game i personally felt the inclusion of LTA Clarence broke our defence shape lah, n a lack of communication saw us stormed by em... he's a good player, but plays like tiz is some leisure tournament n on his own... their holding midfielder Johnny is 1 of the best ive seen in my playin years... on the level of Tat Hwang(NYJC's captain) n Jackson(Home Utd youth), if u know who these are... n Zeyuan the NYJC's star basketballer is 40SAR's striker, n scored 2 against us... how unimaginable... n 2SIR, a team full of malays n indians, n which funnily lost to 3SIB, proved better than us... a match which duno why i got so inspired, teammates were shakin my hand n praisin my performance afterwards... maybe coz for 1, jasper dropped out due to injury, n 2, as usual, i was so angry w the central midfield, my preferred position, tt i drifted around in double-role...
hmm... started clearin off/leave liao... definitely the 1st i know, tgt w Fuda Benjy n Yanbin... my peers are all still finishin their work or fightin ATEC... tiz is kinda fast n soon... my 1-yr 10-mth service is endin soon, when i still can vividly remember boardin my 1st Penguin ferry, my pledge to the nation, gettin fucked by sergeant Samuel, the smell of Tekong n Dettol body foam, n gettin the Tekong cough...
haha... 一笑而过...
oh yes... the 8SAB soccer team were then thrashed 5-1 by a super strong 40SAR n lost 3-1 to last year's champs 2SIR... in the 40SAR game i personally felt the inclusion of LTA Clarence broke our defence shape lah, n a lack of communication saw us stormed by em... he's a good player, but plays like tiz is some leisure tournament n on his own... their holding midfielder Johnny is 1 of the best ive seen in my playin years... on the level of Tat Hwang(NYJC's captain) n Jackson(Home Utd youth), if u know who these are... n Zeyuan the NYJC's star basketballer is 40SAR's striker, n scored 2 against us... how unimaginable... n 2SIR, a team full of malays n indians, n which funnily lost to 3SIB, proved better than us... a match which duno why i got so inspired, teammates were shakin my hand n praisin my performance afterwards... maybe coz for 1, jasper dropped out due to injury, n 2, as usual, i was so angry w the central midfield, my preferred position, tt i drifted around in double-role...
hmm... started clearin off/leave liao... definitely the 1st i know, tgt w Fuda Benjy n Yanbin... my peers are all still finishin their work or fightin ATEC... tiz is kinda fast n soon... my 1-yr 10-mth service is endin soon, when i still can vividly remember boardin my 1st Penguin ferry, my pledge to the nation, gettin fucked by sergeant Samuel, the smell of Tekong n Dettol body foam, n gettin the Tekong cough...
haha... 一笑而过...
a sad thot
i woke up a sad man today... coz i thot abt my men, the men i have in my unit... i oredi hate it, but it juz came to my mind in the early mornin...
it's such a depressin thot i don't even wanna talk abt it... but it cant seem to get outta my head if i don't release it... maybe here can help...
i have men who are so dramatic... the wayang sense... everyday u see a wayang show... they drift around all day in fancy fervour, exposin others' deeds to u, seekin justice for their perpetual hard work, but never around to help... he polish ur boots, for 1 same thing - to become the apple of ur eye...
i have men equally dramatic... the literary sense... they seem nice enough... the heroes of a story; the good ppl... but time showed me they're bastards... they became villains... it's all an act... how faces can change so suddenly... empty vessels make the most noise... to avoid more work than others, he is willin to sacrifice his buddies...
i have men who make me question myself if it's worth it to be a Specialist... they came in, u saw em as ur responsibility, take em under ur wing, coz u see hope in em... all u do for em, u do for their good... then 1 day, he turns around n stabs u... biting the hand tt feeds u... n u can never find in his eyes again tt gratitude tt's supposed to be there...
i have men who take ur respect, chew it up, n spit it in the bin... u give em the respect, they never reciprocate... in their eyes ur juz the cold n unfeelin sergeant... hell, shouldn't it be the other way?! tiz is army for god's sake... it's regimental for men to respect commanders, n whether it goes the other way is of insignificance...
dramatic? please don't think tiz is fictitious or over-the-top... tiz is how real life can get... honestly... fiction mirrors reality... if not where do the ideas come from... exaggeration? sometimes, but i can say my experiences prove tt the difference aint alot... i think i can truly agree w the Bard tt "all the world's a stage"...
it's such a depressin thot i don't even wanna talk abt it... but it cant seem to get outta my head if i don't release it... maybe here can help...
i have men who are so dramatic... the wayang sense... everyday u see a wayang show... they drift around all day in fancy fervour, exposin others' deeds to u, seekin justice for their perpetual hard work, but never around to help... he polish ur boots, for 1 same thing - to become the apple of ur eye...
i have men equally dramatic... the literary sense... they seem nice enough... the heroes of a story; the good ppl... but time showed me they're bastards... they became villains... it's all an act... how faces can change so suddenly... empty vessels make the most noise... to avoid more work than others, he is willin to sacrifice his buddies...
i have men who make me question myself if it's worth it to be a Specialist... they came in, u saw em as ur responsibility, take em under ur wing, coz u see hope in em... all u do for em, u do for their good... then 1 day, he turns around n stabs u... biting the hand tt feeds u... n u can never find in his eyes again tt gratitude tt's supposed to be there...
i have men who take ur respect, chew it up, n spit it in the bin... u give em the respect, they never reciprocate... in their eyes ur juz the cold n unfeelin sergeant... hell, shouldn't it be the other way?! tiz is army for god's sake... it's regimental for men to respect commanders, n whether it goes the other way is of insignificance...
dramatic? please don't think tiz is fictitious or over-the-top... tiz is how real life can get... honestly... fiction mirrors reality... if not where do the ideas come from... exaggeration? sometimes, but i can say my experiences prove tt the difference aint alot... i think i can truly agree w the Bard tt "all the world's a stage"...
Sunday, September 10, 2006
how's it like tt?
i saw zy's blog n i think shes rite... made me feel better... about love... but it's so diplomatic n universal... like coz, we've so many other factors n issues involved... i thank her for those words, but...
i dont wanna feel this way... but i cant help it... u pushed it this far...
u know how much it hurts to know u, yes u, of all ppl, actually ignored something ive mentioned before? im not assumin, i know u knew... i really duno if u can imagine it... it strikes me as u dont care... or u wanna try me... but even for tt, ive forgiven u... coz it's true, i just love u much enough to make me hate fights between us... the feelin sucks honestly...
but u blew it as once again, u showed me tt side of u... how tough it is on u... u see, i understand the things u go thru... like u said, how u put up w me the whole day, how i was mum on the issue n was unfair to u... i admit to all those... but all u transmit across is how tough it is on u to be w me... it's always like, "something's wrong here, u find something's wrong there too","im moody, so ur moody," n "im angry, so ur equally angry"... i duno if im too sensitive or wat... the time spent thinkin has led me to ask, is it a pride thing? are u too proud?
i'll tell u wat i wan... i didnt expect tiz to turn so bad... coz it's straightforward... all i wanted was a lousy, but sincere apology, without any of the usual "other" issues tt u tend to bring up... it would be like any other apology we would make everyday... but u had to say something didnt u? u actually asked me to think thru? i think it's laughable really... when u were the 1 who hurt me isnt it?
the side of u which i cant change... am i wrong to try changin u? some may think so... tt im restrictive, i cant compromise... but am i wrong to change something i cant grow to like or accommodate, something which may destroy us?
it makes me question alot of things... like i sometimes, actually dont really know u at all... or i cant truly know u... wat zy posted makes so much sense, but tt's a perfect scenario... so many other things actually play a part... i wanna let my heart rule, but my head's holdin back...
n now after i blogged all this, im still apprehensive about how u'll hit me back... i'll be so disappointed if u answer me w ur defense again, but i can figure tt's how u'll react... im more than afraid to know ur reply...
i dont wanna feel this way... but i cant help it... u pushed it this far...
u know how much it hurts to know u, yes u, of all ppl, actually ignored something ive mentioned before? im not assumin, i know u knew... i really duno if u can imagine it... it strikes me as u dont care... or u wanna try me... but even for tt, ive forgiven u... coz it's true, i just love u much enough to make me hate fights between us... the feelin sucks honestly...
but u blew it as once again, u showed me tt side of u... how tough it is on u... u see, i understand the things u go thru... like u said, how u put up w me the whole day, how i was mum on the issue n was unfair to u... i admit to all those... but all u transmit across is how tough it is on u to be w me... it's always like, "something's wrong here, u find something's wrong there too","im moody, so ur moody," n "im angry, so ur equally angry"... i duno if im too sensitive or wat... the time spent thinkin has led me to ask, is it a pride thing? are u too proud?
i'll tell u wat i wan... i didnt expect tiz to turn so bad... coz it's straightforward... all i wanted was a lousy, but sincere apology, without any of the usual "other" issues tt u tend to bring up... it would be like any other apology we would make everyday... but u had to say something didnt u? u actually asked me to think thru? i think it's laughable really... when u were the 1 who hurt me isnt it?
the side of u which i cant change... am i wrong to try changin u? some may think so... tt im restrictive, i cant compromise... but am i wrong to change something i cant grow to like or accommodate, something which may destroy us?
it makes me question alot of things... like i sometimes, actually dont really know u at all... or i cant truly know u... wat zy posted makes so much sense, but tt's a perfect scenario... so many other things actually play a part... i wanna let my heart rule, but my head's holdin back...
n now after i blogged all this, im still apprehensive about how u'll hit me back... i'll be so disappointed if u answer me w ur defense again, but i can figure tt's how u'll react... im more than afraid to know ur reply...
Sunday, August 27, 2006
i had a bad day!
what a disappointment... Army Half Marathon-conditionin made me run 6, 7, 8, 12, 14, n 16km... n i was all ready for the actual... i clocked 1hr 40mins for 16km, which gave me a remote chance for finishin 21km in 2hrs 15mins...
in the end all i got was cramp, more cramp, n all cramps...
i was breezin n runnin at quite a reasonable pace... but the last 3km was done walkin, occasionally stopped by the excruciatin pain to stretch my legs...
when i hobbled past the end point in 2hrs 36mins, i simply stopped at the barricade, hanged on to it as others streamed past me w smiles all round, as my legs gave way...
n the Straits Times AHM guide advises us to drink frequently, even when not thirsty, so i drank at most of the water points, being thirsty anyway... which isnt my runnin habit... in the end i apparently drank too much n vomited... haha... how pathetic can a person get...
in the end all i got was cramp, more cramp, n all cramps...
i was breezin n runnin at quite a reasonable pace... but the last 3km was done walkin, occasionally stopped by the excruciatin pain to stretch my legs...
when i hobbled past the end point in 2hrs 36mins, i simply stopped at the barricade, hanged on to it as others streamed past me w smiles all round, as my legs gave way...
n the Straits Times AHM guide advises us to drink frequently, even when not thirsty, so i drank at most of the water points, being thirsty anyway... which isnt my runnin habit... in the end i apparently drank too much n vomited... haha... how pathetic can a person get...
Sunday, August 20, 2006
seasons of blame
the other day my sis asked, n i recalled why i named the ex blog "seasons of blame"...
at the time when i created it, there were many thoughts in me about blame... sth happened then, which surfaced the obvious... when sth happens, people seek to blame... sometimes almost a hysteria... so the question is can u even care to notice it as an outsider? because when ur a witness, most probably u'll be embroiled in the blaming game as well...
more significantly, i proved to myself tt i do also seek to find sth or someone to blame... n tts why im disappointed, in this fact about us...
in this i mean blaming sth, or someone, even if it's urself, when things go wrong... when things don't go accordin to plan, we want to pinpoint, like what they call "troubleshootin", or "after action review", or plain "learnin from mistakes"... but i think, we blame, coz we don't wanna look bad; we want to look like we know the fault; we want to feel like we are in control... this is a fact, not a revelation...
not forgettin we will always try to be less conspicuous n blame sth or someone else 1st... unless its bloody obvious the blame's on us...
it is a bitter pill to swallow about us humans... like many of these other pills we find to swallow every day...
at the time when i created it, there were many thoughts in me about blame... sth happened then, which surfaced the obvious... when sth happens, people seek to blame... sometimes almost a hysteria... so the question is can u even care to notice it as an outsider? because when ur a witness, most probably u'll be embroiled in the blaming game as well...
more significantly, i proved to myself tt i do also seek to find sth or someone to blame... n tts why im disappointed, in this fact about us...
in this i mean blaming sth, or someone, even if it's urself, when things go wrong... when things don't go accordin to plan, we want to pinpoint, like what they call "troubleshootin", or "after action review", or plain "learnin from mistakes"... but i think, we blame, coz we don't wanna look bad; we want to look like we know the fault; we want to feel like we are in control... this is a fact, not a revelation...
not forgettin we will always try to be less conspicuous n blame sth or someone else 1st... unless its bloody obvious the blame's on us...
it is a bitter pill to swallow about us humans... like many of these other pills we find to swallow every day...
Saturday, August 19, 2006
valiant thrust - now for 40SAR
monday, jasper stepped on my foot...
thursday, twisted the same foot after landin awkwardly n strained my neck in ACCT trainin...
friday, still mentally overcame (note: i did it mentally, coz physically they still hurt alot) all these to run 16km at east coast for AHM conditionin...
what a week...
anyway... our Bde soccer team kicked off our 3Div Soccer Tournament... n it was a good result... considerin we've always been the whippin boys... we actually drew 2-2 w 3SIB, formed by the HQ itself tgt w 5SIR... lucky 5SIR's intake has ORDed... still, it was a team half made up by malays... n since we've never trained tgt before, they stormed us... in 5mins we were 2-0 down, courtesy of an obviously offside goal, n a clinically-taken own goal, by our super-fit, super-strong RP who knows shit about kickin a ball around... but our captain Sgt Dinesh calmed the team, put hope in us, n led tgt by Steven we equalised by the 2nd half... could really have won it, since they're really surprised n shaken, but time wasn't on our side... oh yes Jasper stepped on my foot after we went for the same high ball...
GK 1. Sheng-Xiang
RB 2. Bernard
LB 3. Cyrus
LM 4. Prash
CB 5. Urs truly
SW 6. Steven
RW 7. Weixin
DM 8. Jasper
FW 9. Junze
AM 10. Dinesh
AM 11. Li Koon
thursday, twisted the same foot after landin awkwardly n strained my neck in ACCT trainin...
friday, still mentally overcame (note: i did it mentally, coz physically they still hurt alot) all these to run 16km at east coast for AHM conditionin...
what a week...
anyway... our Bde soccer team kicked off our 3Div Soccer Tournament... n it was a good result... considerin we've always been the whippin boys... we actually drew 2-2 w 3SIB, formed by the HQ itself tgt w 5SIR... lucky 5SIR's intake has ORDed... still, it was a team half made up by malays... n since we've never trained tgt before, they stormed us... in 5mins we were 2-0 down, courtesy of an obviously offside goal, n a clinically-taken own goal, by our super-fit, super-strong RP who knows shit about kickin a ball around... but our captain Sgt Dinesh calmed the team, put hope in us, n led tgt by Steven we equalised by the 2nd half... could really have won it, since they're really surprised n shaken, but time wasn't on our side... oh yes Jasper stepped on my foot after we went for the same high ball...
GK 1. Sheng-Xiang
RB 2. Bernard
LB 3. Cyrus
LM 4. Prash
CB 5. Urs truly
SW 6. Steven
RW 7. Weixin
DM 8. Jasper
FW 9. Junze
AM 10. Dinesh
AM 11. Li Koon
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Armor Road Relay 2006
(from top) foreground's 8 SAB Specs Team, background's 40 SAR Officers Team; the relay, mi to my CSM; the debrief by Bde SM MWO Gordon; the Specs Team; combined Officers n Specs teams
a faith im countin on...
apparently the obscure battle btwn shawn n i seeped out, thru, where else but his outlet...
my Coy 2IC Cpt Gaston came to mi...
"his bro-in-law's the S1 4SAB... contacted mi n alleged tt a Spec is markin shawn... tell mi abt it... i believe in u..."
"u juz carry on w wat u do, be fair to everyone... but push him to his Ops limit... it's his job to be workin... dun worry abt his bro-in-law... he sldnt be interferin..."
OC saw mi...
"u ok huh? wahlao he doesn accuse anyone but the fairest Spec i hav! dun worry... to mi, the line btwn Specs n men is v clear... if ur a man, u'll do ur job, n better not step over the line, or i'll kill u..."
my CSM, who saw my 2IC speakin w mi, approached mi...
"nvm, alot of Ops requiremnts are comin up... we'll push him to the limit... i'll personally ensure he gets the toughest Ops role... this way he cant escape... he has broken the chain of command by goin thru his bro-in-law... now we've more a reason to kill him..."
the ever garang Staff Francis...
"Major so wat! we'll not let him interfere here! this is our Coy, n we'll decide wat to do w our men! if shawn gives u problems again let mi know... i'll personally kill him..."
n for a lil extra testimony...
my Ops Spec Staff Ben was gatherin the various platoons' standby orbat, n he, out of curiosity, asked for my role... i answered him, as allocated, tt im attached out as Commander's M113 signaller... he gave a short look of awe n said, "oh, ok... good lah... u sld be the best man for the job..."
OC runner weihong relayed a msg to mi the other day, then remarked tt i can go check w OC, as usual practice... coz OC told him im the Spec who never fails to check back w him... haha.. i thot it was teasin, coz it painted sucha regimental picture of mi... then he disclosed tt OC mentioned before, tt he can always trust tt things will be executed if handed to mi... "he trusts tt u will get it done..."
i didnt post all these to challenge tt idiot, or prove any point, or juz plain show wat they think of mi... it's coz... im really touched by all of em... it says alot abt wat ive been doin n contributin to my unit... at least i know i can leave the army knowin i played a positive part...
my Coy 2IC Cpt Gaston came to mi...
"his bro-in-law's the S1 4SAB... contacted mi n alleged tt a Spec is markin shawn... tell mi abt it... i believe in u..."
"u juz carry on w wat u do, be fair to everyone... but push him to his Ops limit... it's his job to be workin... dun worry abt his bro-in-law... he sldnt be interferin..."
OC saw mi...
"u ok huh? wahlao he doesn accuse anyone but the fairest Spec i hav! dun worry... to mi, the line btwn Specs n men is v clear... if ur a man, u'll do ur job, n better not step over the line, or i'll kill u..."
my CSM, who saw my 2IC speakin w mi, approached mi...
"nvm, alot of Ops requiremnts are comin up... we'll push him to the limit... i'll personally ensure he gets the toughest Ops role... this way he cant escape... he has broken the chain of command by goin thru his bro-in-law... now we've more a reason to kill him..."
the ever garang Staff Francis...
"Major so wat! we'll not let him interfere here! this is our Coy, n we'll decide wat to do w our men! if shawn gives u problems again let mi know... i'll personally kill him..."
n for a lil extra testimony...
my Ops Spec Staff Ben was gatherin the various platoons' standby orbat, n he, out of curiosity, asked for my role... i answered him, as allocated, tt im attached out as Commander's M113 signaller... he gave a short look of awe n said, "oh, ok... good lah... u sld be the best man for the job..."
OC runner weihong relayed a msg to mi the other day, then remarked tt i can go check w OC, as usual practice... coz OC told him im the Spec who never fails to check back w him... haha.. i thot it was teasin, coz it painted sucha regimental picture of mi... then he disclosed tt OC mentioned before, tt he can always trust tt things will be executed if handed to mi... "he trusts tt u will get it done..."
i didnt post all these to challenge tt idiot, or prove any point, or juz plain show wat they think of mi... it's coz... im really touched by all of em... it says alot abt wat ive been doin n contributin to my unit... at least i know i can leave the army knowin i played a positive part...
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
combat line specialist
the Malaysian Armed Forces came aknockin recently... think it was in the news... (a visit lah! were u thinkin something else?) in both their n our efforts to strengthen the political relationship, many others suffered... these were colonels up to generals... n their visit required the best prep, best effort, n best result...
i was there... ah kang, ah yong, leo, eric were there... the combat line team of 2006, how we call ourselves, happened... set to stay in the history of 8 SAB Sig Coy...
we suffered for em tt nite... ok maybe, like i really think, it was our great Ops Officer who put us in tt shit... by delayin thru the morning before, sittin there in office, when all of us knew we had to lay line, lotsa line... by not maximisin the help we clearly needed... then showin me how much line knowledge he lacks, but worse, how reluctant n stubborn he was in lettin a seasoned Specialist run the show... n of course, his failure to protect us from a poor higher command...
DyS3 was clear... he wanted to set off smoke for the Malaysians... so this was what we have at hand... 8 lines, from the control chamber to the range butt... this is, mind u, an armored vehs range, so tt distance is more than 1 km... we've 5 guys... n we reached the range at 1930... n in 11 hours this must be ready n workin...
cold n outfield... dark n mosquitoes... we completed the job at 430... close to 50kg of line was expended tt nite... we returned, washed up, came back in smart attire, n carried on w the display for the visitors... we were literally fallin aslp while standin... n not to mention DyS3 only used 2 lines...
u can hardly respect a soldier by his rank, however he earned it... but by what he's gone thru...
e job was not done... after ensuring the PA and other comms durin the display worked, and after the visitors had left, it was Post-Ex... we went out into e sun agn, albeit with more manpower, and proceeded to retrieve e lines... it went into e late afternoon (how long has it been?)...
i duno abt my men... by e time i went to bed, i was 34 hours awake.... match tt...
i was there... ah kang, ah yong, leo, eric were there... the combat line team of 2006, how we call ourselves, happened... set to stay in the history of 8 SAB Sig Coy...
we suffered for em tt nite... ok maybe, like i really think, it was our great Ops Officer who put us in tt shit... by delayin thru the morning before, sittin there in office, when all of us knew we had to lay line, lotsa line... by not maximisin the help we clearly needed... then showin me how much line knowledge he lacks, but worse, how reluctant n stubborn he was in lettin a seasoned Specialist run the show... n of course, his failure to protect us from a poor higher command...
DyS3 was clear... he wanted to set off smoke for the Malaysians... so this was what we have at hand... 8 lines, from the control chamber to the range butt... this is, mind u, an armored vehs range, so tt distance is more than 1 km... we've 5 guys... n we reached the range at 1930... n in 11 hours this must be ready n workin...
cold n outfield... dark n mosquitoes... we completed the job at 430... close to 50kg of line was expended tt nite... we returned, washed up, came back in smart attire, n carried on w the display for the visitors... we were literally fallin aslp while standin... n not to mention DyS3 only used 2 lines...
u can hardly respect a soldier by his rank, however he earned it... but by what he's gone thru...
e job was not done... after ensuring the PA and other comms durin the display worked, and after the visitors had left, it was Post-Ex... we went out into e sun agn, albeit with more manpower, and proceeded to retrieve e lines... it went into e late afternoon (how long has it been?)...
i duno abt my men... by e time i went to bed, i was 34 hours awake.... match tt...
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