If this was news, it would have lost its timeliness: An overdue comment

The doctors say I have to abstain from alcohol to stay alive.

You would’ve realized if you’ve hung out with me. But on Friday night, as most – seniors and freshies alike – rushed to catch both the last monorail out of Sentosa and some overdue rest from five days of surreality, I got myself drunk, without being sure why.

I think this is it.

Maybe I was numbing myself. The sense of loss was overwhelming. Four is the accumulated number already, in the blink of an eye. You see, no matter how hardcore we tune ourselves into and, let’s say, keep coming back, going through FOC as a student can never be matched. The existing conditions of being able to come to school and seeing your juniors and freshies, the very people those awesome five days were spent with. By FOC 2011, I would be a graduate (fingers crossed), and there probably won’t be,
“Teh peng, what is STARS?”
“Teh peng, should I take Hedwig?”
“Teh peng, ‘ah fang’ tonight!”
anymore.

I can’t claim that FOC is my baby like Marcus can, but bar a few, you have no idea how attached I am to it.

If you had spared yourself some time to read this, ask, would you come for twenty consecutive days (four straight years) of FOC? I had played stupid games, been dunked at Siloso, slept on cold, hard concrete, covered the island in Amazing Race, and tahan-ed those long nights, from freshman year to just last week.

People come back because they feel invested in FOC, like former maincommers. I was never one. I was in CI Club in my second and third FOCs, but I was also there as an AGL and then SA. With that I can say I’ve lived the freshie experience four times over.

Mee Tai Mak, Linguine, Bocelli, Jagerbomb.

The worst, however, was that lack of closure that enveloped me after Starry Starry Night last Friday. Over the five days it has subliminally dawned upon me that this would be my last, not helped by the fact that Marcus, Shixiong and Zak had announced their retirements.

I worked myself into letting go.

I must admit I frowned a bit when MTMer Jeanette was still all-action, but I think I did a pretty good job. I tried not to tell but show. I tried to impart and advise, not control. I was going around to cover the last few holes I missed out last year as the incumbent school president. Plus I reckoned people are gonna care more this time about my opinions. After all, a Final-Year.

And so, as everyone spoke, hugged, cried and took photos, I silently walked off. Without making any sort of speeches. I must let go, I told myself.

Then I regretted it like hell.

No it’s not some egocentric send-off I want, but I missed the most basic of closures I deserve. I didn’t tell Jagerbomb, or freshies in general, young individuals I see so much potential in and which I once was, that this would be my last.

You would have noticed my much more laissez-faire approach this FOC, but still Jagerbomb, you are my last OG. Cast in stone and forever linked, this story reads “Mee Tai Mak, Linguine, Bocelli, Jagerbomb”.

On another note, MTM, Linguine and Jagerbomb all finished second (Bocelli was the anomaly really). I’m sorry Zak but I’m too competitive to not be bothered by this. Like I say, Amos is now a legend because he has won Best OG four years in a row. My biggest regret is hence probably that I’ve never come out tops.

Which was why… (wait for it) …I ran for OGL this year.

Not many people know that. And I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of it. They say if you wanna get something done, you gotta do it yourself, right? I had one intention and one intention only – to raze the field and finally bring home one victory in my last year. I reckoned having gone through half a dozen FOCs I should know enough. The masterplan even included a fellow OGL carefully handpicked – my 2009 fave freshie Jo Quek.

I admit it’s a tad unfair, but heck lah.

Then Ivan, Sarah and Marcus reinstated fairness LOL by rejecting me. Oh well, it was a decent try.

In any case, since I’m on it, regarding A Song For Viola, I’m not oblivious that I rubbed some the wrong way. But as much as you had your own interests to protect, as the incumbent I not only needed FOC to be the best it could be, I had to preserve CI Club’s and in general the school’s reputation. However much I meddled, I never regretted anything. To be honest, souring relationships was an easy tradeoff if it was for the good of the bigger picture. Along the way people have lost respect for me but I don’t care cos it’s mutual. I have my flaws. The problem is too many people (especially in this school) criticize without sizing themselves up or walking through the fires themselves. At least I stand/stood up and be counted.

The time spent doing the things I did in school made me learn a lot more about myself, but I rest easy because I had always endeavoured to do what was right. Guiding principle: Whatever I do I must be able to live with myself.

Before I sign off,

To MTM:
OMG we’re doing FYP. It was only like yesterday! RSVP-wise only me, Jeanette, Zak, Shixiong, Cheryl Ong, Thaddaeus came (and Titus’ special appearance at NSRCC!). None of us can deny the OG imploded/exploded (like don’t know when). Once in a while Jea still mourns it. No point dwelling now. Thanks for the memories. They are very dear to me.

To Linguine:
Echoing Marcus, seeing almost the whole OG at last year’s Starry Starry Night moved me so so much. As your AGL, you’re like my babies. And as your AGL, I feel the most ownership over you lot. Linguine might not be the most high-profile people in school, but the dedication and loyalty in you cannot be written off. And I thank you for that.

To Bocelli:
Similarly, I feel really comforted to see so many of you grow. Doesn’t matter we finished last, the potential in Bocelli is unbelievable. You guys are everywhere, some are in JCRCs, while RSVP almost looked like it was run by Bocelli. For an OG I didn’t do that much in, I’m extremely attached to Bocelli. That says a lot about what kind of people we have here.

To Jagerbomb:
I tried to remember all your names, didn’t I? Please say hi when you see me around school ya? Some cynics say FOC is just a welcome ceremony, but I’ve seen that it can be for life. Don’t let the friendships die.

“ntuwkwscifoc”

as we like to call it, will always mean something. ‘Teh peng’ will just be a passing face that slowly fades away, but FOC and all its glory will endure.