it was 32 hours after she departed a world that gave her 93 years of ups and downs, joy and sorrow. that brought her from birthplace Pulin, China to what was in her time an island called Nanyang. a life marked by many people who passed her. some of them made a difference. some, she made a difference to.
us, her family.
the late Ah Gong, who took the earlier train 6 years ago.
me, a grandson she deeply loved, who loved her just as much but maybe not enough.
Ah Ma was already well resting in what would be her little shell of comfort for a few days and nights. days and nights which will surely prove inadequate for the people she breathed life into to accompany her in a last walk.
i picked up a joss stick. familiar, i thought, this Chinese routine. but facing me was the peaceful photo of someone who was alive. a gentle woman known for her good nature, doggedness, impartiality and embrace for all, whose smile is still vivid whenever i close my eyes.
whatever i say, however i wax, im never gonna do justice to a lady i never knew fully. she's only an Ah Ma to me.
but that was all she needed to be. and for that, i dare cry out loud, she did a hell of a job.
what i remember of her? Ah Ma just wanted to love. everyone around her. in some irrational way u could almost say she had too much of that, more than enough for people like us. i'll never forget how she always held our hands. tightly, like she'd never see us again. Ah Gong was colder to most (though i was one of his favorites), but Ah Ma holds everyone's hand. she'd grab us, pull us in, and hug us. it felt like she wouldn't let go. but it was fine, "it's ok, Ah Ma". this isnt some childhood memory; she did this regardless of how big we've grown into. i remember my pre-school days with her, but she still did it when i was turning into a man in army.
her cooking. the sweet deep-fried chicken. the mini pink tangyuan and traditional Teochew kueh she spent whole days doing. even her instant noodles for me in the hungry afternoons after kindergarten were special.
from seeing her everyday, to weekly visits, to no more her in my usual routine, up till her passing. it's something to mourn, but the person should be celebrated too. she is one person i know who truly loved me, and selfless at that. ask yourself, how many such people do you have in your one short life? people come and go, but why be bothered with someone who doesn't or no longer loves you? you should really mourn if someone who loves you leaves.
melodic chants and light cymbals, i sat there silent, hoping to find the peace Ah Ma has lived with in all her good years. this is for her, the least we can do. a wake brings together loved ones for a deserving tribute. i felt a quiet sadness. images of sending Ah Gong off came back. then i looked out of the little hut with faint-coloured pillars, surely a pit-stop for Ah Ma.
and i smiled. one of genuine, moving serenity. this phase is over, but i know she's reunited with with her husband of 71 years, at someplace we may never know. she's caught up. i hope they're happy there.
for e first time in nearly 6 years, im burnt out for liondance. lost my passion. sick of it. maybe only time will bring it back.
with e pathetic last semester, my GPA has already fell quite abit. and this semester my life's worsened by a host of tough mods. how.
then.
another phone call from eileen, another rally call by mdm tan. she cries "crisis" again, and i thought "what again". but i guess it's never been as serious as this. this time, we're not asked to show face; we actually have to perform. in school, for the school, traditionally a job of e current students. that's e deal offered by e principal. if we cant put up this performance, he'd close us down. a troupe of 30-year history. fighting to keep alive a thing that means so much, taught me so much, made me e person i am, and gave me so many wonderful friends.
then.
her. it's ok if im no longer a part of ur life. it's ok if u don't wanna acknowledge me anymore no matter how hard i try to keep u as a friend. u want me to move on, but i try to keep e place u have in my heart. but him? what's up with all that? he's a friend and all, i understand that. but aren't u pushing it a tad too far now? ur becoming so close with him, not just a closeness between friends, but closeness i think ott. i feel cheated and lied to. what's with e "im still attached but even if no im not looking for anything this moment" and where did that go? im not just heartbroken, im angry. angered by e behaviour of u two. i feel...replaced. not that u meant it, since we were over before he appeard. but that's how i feel. he seemed to have entered conveniently after im gone, not voluntarily, but displaced.
then Ah Ma passed away.
and it's Chinese New Year, my god. doesn't help that my Ah Gong was born during Chinese New Year and we'd celebrate his birthday together in e past. now Chinese New Year is gonna remind me of both my beloved grandparents.
"yea so hope u like it. i just wanna thank u for everything... and a whole lot of other nonsense. since duno how long ago."
"although things are kinda different now, whatever happened was real and i really enjoyed it. i hope we can still be (good) friends and know that i'll be there if u need me."
"somehow e words didnt really come out right. but anyway words are probably not enough to express my gratitude."
thank u. i just needed to hear it from u all along. that everything we had was real.
no. e gratitude is mine. thank u for what we had.
*
i proceeded to break down in an mrt train carriage, with a whole row of people seated opposite me. what a place to read sucha letter.
anyway. i think this is gonna be e one song that defines our rship. or should i say, e loss and e pain. u know such songs always come at that critical moment. u can always trust that they do. i was at my most agonising while driving back when it came on e radio.
right before half-time. e ultimate blow. what actually conspired? was Man Utd legend giggs tricky, cunning, unethical, or was he right? destiny returned to the red devils' side once again as we should not have been denied the lead; vidic scored from e retaken corner.
it was a valid goal. straight out of e training ground.
and as if that wasn't enough to prove on sucha stage, against arch rivals and giants Chelsea, United put together another piece of set-piece math to annihilate the weak.
deep inswinging free-kick. vidic whispers something to berbatov. ronaldo seemed to know it too. as vidic held off e great john terry, berbatov had rookie franco di santo as marker. in one swift move, berbatov timed his run, rounded vidic, e big centre-half blocking terry and screening di santo, e rest was no-contest. berbatov reached e near post free, connecting just in time with ronaldo's curler.
i like driving. and like everyone else to halt for a red light can be frustrating.
and somehow, as a driver, there's always the question of. why are e traffic lights always turning red? is it a proven science or is it only in e head?
murphy's law of traffic light says tt when ur in a rush they're always red. which is not true. people use murphy as explanation because "unfavourable events in moments of crisis are much more memorable than favourable events in moments of tranquillity".
u just wish they can all stay green, or even turn green when u approach one.
then. on other days. traffic is just so smooth where every junction is green and even if u approach a red light it somehow knows luck is with u today, and turns green for u.
life and love, in their simplicity, can be defined by roads and lights. do we go faster or slower. do we need to overtake, or do we slow down and take in e sights. are we sure or have we lost e way. do we hit e highway. one-way street or crossroads. left or right, or straight on. and do we make an exit somewhere.
is it red, or is it green.
this journey should never be done alone.
this time. im wishing at this traffic light. that it will turn red.
3. 50th anniversary of e Munich air crash and they were looking down on us. u cannot deny destiny. a third European Cup.
4. perennial underachievers Spain took e European Championships in style. congrats.
5. my first internship. journalist and resident writer for SSC's singaporesports.sg/Let's Play.
6. e end to a 4-year-long relationship. thank u for everything.
7. sprained ankle 2 days before competition and failed to compete in my first ever Nationals after 4 months of hard training.
8. Usain Bolt demolished e 100m world record and laid Michael Johnson's 200m legendary world record to rest.
9. Michael Phelps surpassed Mark Spitz for most gold medals at a single Olympics. sian. he owes it to Jason Lezak for anchoring e US 4x100m with e fastest leg ever swum. overtaking world record holder Alain Bernard in e process.
10. ran for e portfolio of President in WKWSCI school committee.
11. Roger Federer almost screwed up his career. lucky he closed e year by taking Flushing Meadows.
12. attended e first ever Formula One night race right here in Singapore!
13. bye bye Bush and APH. hello Obama and Detenber.
an end to a year, a countdown, and a new year. this time i had no one and wanted to be with no one. has it always been like tt coz i dun remember much about celebrating new year, or is it just tragic? am i supposed to have company during sucha time of e year? did i in e past?
i said i wanted to be with no one coz of how im feeling. but no, there's definitely someone i wanna be with.
i almost stayed in hall alone for e crossover to 2009. i thot it would be quite a memory, a new year when i stayed alone in hall. given e circumstances, there's more reason for me to do so, and it would be quite a new year.
but mabel didnt allow it and forced me to join some of e hall peeps at david's house for e occasion. it was a fair mix of people from hall though it was visible e bulk were his Year 3 clique. i didnt wanna go coz i wasnt invited directly, most of my close hall frens wernt going, and im not v close to e people there. but im still thankful to him for having e party and being sucha generous host. it wasnt great, but it was still something to remember this new year with.
if not there would be just two choices: lounge at home with e family, or emo alone in hall. i thot e former wouldn't mean much anyway, tt's why i almost stayed in campus. i think tt would really gimme e most of emotions, given e occasion and my circumstances.
people say it's a bad thing to try to kill myself like tt but i think it's fine, really. i need e catharsis. it's time.
