Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a Pussy

source: Cracked.com

We all understand that action movies are cheesy escapism. After all, could one commando really take out a whole compound full of bad guys?

Actually, yes. It turns out the history books are full of stories of soldiers doing things so badass they'd hesitate to put them into a film for fear of killing the realism. Like these men, for example.

Simo Hayha

Simo Hayha had a fairly boring life in Finland. He served his one mandatory year in the military, and then became a farmer. But when the Soviet Union invaded his homeland in 1939, he decided he wanted to help his country.

Since the majority of fighting took place in the forest, he figured the best way to stop the invasion was to grab his trusty rifle, a couple of cans of food and hide in a tree all day shooting Russians. In six feet of snow. And 20-40 degrees below zero.

Can you spot Hayha? Neither could the Russians.

Of course when the Russians heard that dozens of their men were going down and that it was all one dude with a rifle, they got fucking scared. He became known as "The White Death" because of his white camouflage outfit, and they actually mounted whole missions just to kill that one guy.

They started by sending out a task force to find Hayha and take him out. He killed them all.
Then they tried getting together a team of counter-snipers (which are basically snipers that kill snipers) and sent them in to eliminate Hayha. He killed all of them, too.

Over the course of 100 days, Hayha killed 542 people with his rifle. He took out another 150 or so with his SMG, sending his credited kill-count up to 705.

Since everyone they had was either too dead or too scared to go anywhere near him, the Russians just carpet-bombed everywhere they thought he might be. Supposedly, they had the location right, and he actually got hit by a cloud of shrapnel that tore his coat up, but didn't actually hurt him, because he's the fucking White Death, damn it.

Finally on March 6th, 1940, some lucky bastard shot Hayha in the head with an exploding bullet. When some other soldiers found him and brought him back to base, he "had half his head missing." The White Death had finally been stopped...

...for about a week. In spite of having come down with a nasty case of shot-in-the-face syndrome, he was still very much alive, and regained consciousness on March 13, the very day the war ended.

Yogendra Singh Yadav

Yogendra Singh Yadav was a member of an Indian grenadier battalion during a conflict with Pakistan in 1999. Their mission was to climb "Tiger Hill" (actually a big-ass mountain), and neutralize the three enemy bunkers at the top. Unfortunately, this meant climbing up a sheer hundred-foot cliff-face of solid ice. Since they didn't want to all climb up one at a time with ice-axes, they decided they'd send one guy up, and he'd fasten the ropes to the cliff as he went, so everyone else could climb up the sissy way. Yadav, being awesome, volunteered.

Half way up the icy cliff-o'-doom, enemies stationed on an adjacent mountain opened fire, shooting them with an RPG, then spraying assault-rifle fire all over the cliff. Half his squad was killed, including the commander, and the rest were scattered and disorganized. Yadav, in spite of being shot three times, kept climbing.

 

When he reached the top, one of the target bunkers opened fire on him with machine guns. Yadav ran toward the hail of bullets, pitched a grenade in the window and killed everyone inside. By this point the second bunker had a clear shot and opened fire, so he ran at them, taking bullets while he did, and killed the four heavily-armed men inside with his bare hands.

Meanwhile, the remainder of his squad was standing at the top of the cliff staring at him saying, "dude, holy shit!" They then all went and took the third bunker with little trouble.

For his gallantry and sheer ballsiness, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, India's highest military award. Unlike the Medal of Honor, the Param Vir Chakra is only given for "rarest of the rare gallantry which is beyond the call of duty and which in normal life is considered impossible to do." That's right, you actually have to break the laws of reality just to be eligible.

It has only been awarded 21 times, and two thirds of the people who earned it died in the process. It was initially reported that Yadav had as well, but it turns out that they just mistook him for someone less badass. Or they just figured no real human being could survive a broken leg, shattered arm and 10-15 fresh bullet holes in one sitting.

Euro 2012 Idiot's Guide to Players to Watch

i was just thinking to screw tonight's opener Poland vs Greece. why does it seem mediocre matchups always kick off a major tournament.

but then that's not the same as there arent world-class players on show. smaller footballing nations do not necessarily have lesser individual footballers. been too busy with all these previews at ESPN i havent had the time to write for the championships starting today. i shall just do a quick one with the top players to watch at Euro 2012.

Germany

Goetze, Borussia Dortmund

since this will read like a Borussia Dortmund autopsy let's just start with the hardy Germans. i think Mario Gomez will finally emerge as a national hero, after years of 20-minute cameos. i hated his football when he debuted, but this has to be his best season yet. Bayern Munich made an admirable run to the Champions League final, while Dortmund has to be the most exciting team this year, and providing the spark behind Gomez should be Mario Goetze, touted by some as the complete footballer. also watch out for Germany's latest central defence products, Dortmund's Mats Hummels and Bayern's Holger Badstuber. please, get rid of Per Mertesacker, please. as always, Germany wont be everyone's first choice to win the trophy, but anyone's second choice.

Netherlands

Strootman, PSV Eindhoven

another safe bet to go all the way, barring the great Dutch tradition of implosion. every coach at this tournament will die to have Robin van Persie and Klaas-Jan Huntelaar in their selection list. the former is for me one of the top five players in the world, while the latter couldn't stop scoring this season. sitting in the deep-lying playmaker slot, a position i'll mention several times here, is Kevin Strootman, christened by some "the new Roy Keane". that's only half the story. the PSV star has a great passing range and an eye for attack, and now that he's replaced Nigel de Jong beside captain Mark van Bommel, Holland are an even bigger threat going forward. oh and there's still a certain Wesley Sneijder.

France

M'Vila, Rennes

the fact that the French haven't progressed past the group stage of a major tournament since World Cup 2006 is slowly getting buried under other headlines. this time, there are the favourites, there are the rest, and then there is France. they are shaping up so nicely it seems a foregone conclusion who'll top Group D. the name on everyone's lips is anchor Yann M'Vila, so young yet so important. dont call him the new Claude Makelele though because the Rennes man can really pass a ball. another player set for significant action is the diminutive dynamo Mathieu Valbuena. he was a benchwarmer for quite a while but Laurent Blanc's overhaul has allowed him to showcase his attacking instincts and dribbling skills. expected to contribute too are Newcastle's Yohan Cabaye and Hatem Ben Arfa, and striker Olivier Giroud. the Geordie pair had a sterling year, while Giroud finished ahead of Eden Hazard to win Ligue 1's golden boot, how about that. and there are Karim Benzema and Franck Ribery of course.

Russia

Dzagoev, CSKA Moscow

the core of the Hiddink Generation is still here, but seriously, who cares about Andrei Arshavin, Roman Pavlyuchenko and Yuri Zhirkov, who have deteriorated so spectacularly. but then the communists have manufactured an Alan Dzagoev, an Ossetian wonderkid expected to be tomorrow's superstar.

Croatia

Perisic, Borussia Dortmund

this small country's talented squad is still around like Russia, led by the wizard Luka Modric, but they now also have Dortmund's (yes, again) eye-catching Ivan Perisic posing another danger in midfield. up front i am looking forward to Nikica Jelavic, who was a handful in the Premier League this season.

Sweden

Elm, AZ Alkmaar

like many, i want to say this team is Zlatan Ibrahimovic plus 10 other players, but Rasmus Elm and Sebastian Larsson will object to that. the former is the heartbeat of an impressive AZ Alkmaar, regarded as the best Swedish player since Ibrahimovic, and between them who will take the dead balls is still anyone's guess. finally, im not a fan of Kim Kallstrom, but he'll always be a key Swede.

Ukraine

Yarmolenko, Dynamo Kiev

the thought of Andrei Yarmolenko and Yevhen Konoplyanka supporting Andriy Shevchenko, i wonder what they're capable of. a lot will be expected of the young wingers for Ukraine to get out of Group D. Yarmolenko, after all, is dubbed "the new Shevchenko" and is possibly heading to a big European club.

Denmark

Eriksen, Ajax Amsterdam

i think the Danes are screwed. just saying. but they do have Christian Eriksen, another prodigy attracting big clubs, who just guided Ajax to the Eredivisie title. still, Denmark is kinda short on individual talent and resting a country's hopes on a 20-year-old isnt exactly assuring.

Czech Republic

Necid, CSKA Moscow

people still talk of Czech's veterans, but im unconvinced. one interesting prospect to watch out for though is natural poacher Tomas Necid. at 1.9m tall he's built like Jan Koller. fans are hoping for another decade of imposing frontline presence.

Poland

the worst team in this competition whose spot is better off for Belgium and its talented players, the only way to put up a fight is by turning to -- yes, you guessed it -- Dortmund employees. the consolation is, they have three, in star striker Robert Lewandowski, Lukasz Piszczek and Jakub Blaszczykowski (im very sure you gave up pronouncing them). only other reason to watch them, is their host of "new citizens", naturalised from France and Germany.

Portugal

this country was once exciting, the Brazil of Europe. now they're just another Sweden. the primary duty of every player not named Cristiano Ronaldo on the pitch is to distract the opponents. Ronaldo is the best player at this Euros, the second-best player in the world, Portugal's goal mine, free-kick and penalty taker, captain, even the best header of the ball. what more to say?

Italy

Borini, Roma

sadly, the Azzuri have gone backwards so much in the last few years, no one's heard of the bulk of the players. then again, there are two human beings on this planet who have perfected the regista role. Paul Scholes is retired from international football, while Italy have the other. if you think Andrea Pirlo is over the hill, he just had an incredible year at Juventus. another player who feels like a veteran but is only 29, is Antonio Cassano, expected to take up the other end of the diamond, the trequartista. Mario Balotelli has lived more like a celebrity than a footballer this season, but he's profoundly dangerous and could be the surprise hit here. another youngster to look out for is former Swansea hero Fabio Borini, although he lacks international experience.

England

we all know England well enough, so not much can be further said about this sorry-looking squad, which flew with six players from the 8th-placed Liverpool. for me, the one to take note of wont be in the starting xi. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain wasnt even in Arsenal's starting lineup, but he is unbelievably brave, technically capable, and possesses England's proudest asset -- lightning speed. he has always excelled in the little minutes he played so expect him to. and if we have to squeeze another name out, let's not forget the Three Lions always arrive at a major tournament with one of the best midfielders of his generation, Steven Gerrard. if he manages to peak, it would be interesting to finally see how he leads the team without being burdened by Frank Lampard.

Spain

Negredo, Sevilla

they were every neutral's darling at Euro 2008, every neutral's shoo-in at World Cup 2010, but suddenly all the pressure's on them now that they dont look that guaranteed of the trophy. i dare say Barcelona cannot play like Spain, but Spain also cannot play like Barca. the national team's system works around David Villa, and despite the immense depth they have, Villa's absence will shake up their swagger and their confidence. i belong to the anti-Fernando Torres camp, believing he is currently inferior to Fernando Llorente and Alvaro Negredo. contrary to popular opinion though, it seems to me the latter is better suited to replace Villa than Llorente, who isnt as mobile. Xavi and Andres Iniesta will pull the strings as usual, while David Silva arrives here the same way he left the last Euros -- imperious. the envy of everyone, Spain are the only squad that can field a tournament-worthy second xi, so watch out for Juan Mata, Javi Martinez, Cesc Fabregas, Santi Cazorla and Jesus Navas off the bench.

so there you go. Poland and Greece still suck.

Praised by the Wise

"The modern conception of man's intellectual relationship to the universe was anticipated by the Buddhist doctrine that desire is the source of illusion. This is true not only of the man of science, but also the artist and the philosopher.

Perfect non-attachment demands of those who aspire to it, not only compassion and charity, but also the intelligence that perceives the general implications of particular acts, that sees the individual being within the system of social and cosmic relations of which he is but a part. In this respect, it seems to me, Buddhism shows itself decidedly superior to Christianity. In the Buddhist ethic, stupidity, or unawareness, ranks as one of the principal sins."

Aldous Huxley, English writer and intellectual