Singaporean Men Cannot Make It One Lah

by Tan Sze Yao

Singaporean girls like to use the phrase "cannot make it" to describe Singaporean men. They wrinkle their noses and act all surprised when you suggest, ever so gently, that perhaps Singaporean Male X might be a suitable mate. "Huh?? Cannot make it lah, he." A few years later they marry Singaporean Male Y, who looks and sounds exactly the same as Singaporean Male X.

Why are Singaporean men all so ostensibly "cannot make it"? I do not know the answer to this question, for I am reasonable. However, I do have suggestions for the men. To become a "can make it" Singaporean male (without having to resort to plastic surgery), one must achieve a certain level of competence at the activities I shall be listing out below. Ours is a small, closed society; the traits that mark one out for worthwhile reproduction are easily and quickly discernible, if one pays proper attention.

1. Must be good at computers and computer games

Strangely, being good at computer games appears to be more impressive to the average Singaporean female. If you are good at computers only, you are taken advantage of for most part. If you are good at computer games, however, you are a badass potential protector.

Compare

You: OK, upgraded to Windows 7 already.

Girl: Thanks so much! (thinks: the software did everything.)

You: You're welcome.

Girl: Can help me install antivirus?

with

You: ALL RIGHT 25 KILLSTREAK!

Girl: Huh?

You: Nothing. I just kicked your boyfriend's ass.

Girl: Orh. (stands over shoulder and watches very fast paced game and thinks: aiyah why my boyfriend so lousy.) Can help me install Windows?

You: Sorry not interested, I am aiming for 35 killstreak

Girl: (subconsciously registers lack of punctuation as sexy) Oh. Kill kill kill... so manly.

As a general rule, the hierarchy is such: first-person shooter, versus fighter, real-time strategy, turn-based strategy and then everything else. MMORPGs occupy a value system of their own, but in general their gentle learning curve reduce street cred. Angry Birds and Bejewelled FTW for now though.

2. Must be good at pool

There is nothing else to do in Singapore. Get good at it, you will be spending a lot of time in these places. Don't just chalk your stick - chalk some victories while you're at it. Ah-lians will be watching.

Must-learns: jump-shot, English, doubles.

3. Must be good at one team sport

So that you will look good next to the other doddering dodos. Football obviously occupies top spot, but basketball and water polo work too. Volleyball is for girls.

Girls find it easier to come down to support team sports, because they can rationalize their conduct diffusely: "I'm here for the TEAM." Let them have this. You know what they're thinking when you're... scoring.

4. Must be good at one individual sport

While girls find it harder to support these because you are alone and therefore very bo sei for them to come all the way down, the simple fact that you are involved in some sport somewhere is already very "can make it". Walk around with your lacrosse bag slung over your shoulder or your tennis shoes carelessly dangling from your backpack. When they ask about your sport, just make vague references and knowingly use terms of art.

Girl: Where are you going?

You: Oh, practice.

Girl: What practice?

You: Kallang... today we're doing slice serves.

Girl: *tingle down spine* Ohhh.

Few other people will be able to challenge your authority, since these are individual, recherche pursuits. Exploit the opportunity.

To avoid: ping-pong, badminton (everyone thinks they can play these)

5. Must be musical

GUITAR for individual, DRUMS in a band. Girls are quite dumb one and they like to see action jackson. You bang bang the drum, they happy. You stand around and pluck a few strings, nobody knows what you're doing. Of course, if you are going to do the serenading thing, it will be guitar without question.

Tip: When serenading, pretend to be practising (when you actually practice sui sui at home already). Always choose a current song, so people will bite. If you play More Than Words for the 238645823648243234th time, people confirm lose interest one. And don't look at anybody when singing, otherwise they will feel that you are "invading" them. Don't "invade" anybody. Just let them listen to your ostensibly unassuming music. Confirm plus guarantee plus chop will have results.

6. Must be able to do math

A guy who cannot do maths is like a eunuch. He is not a man. In Singapore especially, even our girls are damn good at maths. So you better be super damn good, so you can explain to her how to divide her parts.

One better: PHYSICS. For some reason, applied stuff is harder for girls. So take physics and ace it. Then later on, toss in puns about how you two have such great chemistry, you want to explore the geography of her biography in a physical way. "Your body is a wonderland," you will coo. "Do you want to read my literature or should we just start making history?" Just don't show her your mother tongue.

7. Must have good sense of direction

A guy who has no sense of direction is a girl. The end.

8. Must drive and must be good driver

DRIVE. And for fuck's sake, practise that parallel parking thing. Girls always tell themselves that they are not lousier drivers, just more careful/cautious/whatever. But despite that ALL OF THEM STILL CANNOT FREAKING PARALLEL PARK. Become tok gong at this, heighten the gender difference, enhance the sexual tension. Ooh yeah baby.

By the way, European marques please. The Singaporean lady does not want to be seen rolling in a Hyundai.

9. Must be laconic and listen to her drivel

Ya. It helps. Srsly.

Singaporean girls think they are really interesting, and maybe they are. Who knows? We aren't really listening. But you don't really have to - just nod every 10 seconds. And then say, "Really ah." I just did this today. It is fricking awesome. You can abidicate responsbility for having a brain.

The bottom line is that by keeping silent, you allow her to project her preferred self-image onto you. She is interesting, so therefore you must be interesting, since you are absorbing her everything. How cool is that? I love lady logic.

10. Must know DIY

"I hammered her and her friend last night, we had a good screw. Talk about nailing two in one night! Of course I bolted the next day, but I will always be ready when their pipes need further unclogging."

Euphemisms aside, you must know DIY because other penises will try to undermine you with their own DIY knowledge. Especially contractors who overcharge. If you are fleeced in any DIY-related matter, you are not a man.

This is also perhaps the origin of the phrase "cannot make it" - a man who "can make it" can make... things. With hands and tools. He probably also knows how to instruct the girl on how to rectify a swollen ball-cock.

11. Must speak dialect

My biggest regret, I cannot speak dialect. In lup sup KTVs and Warrant Officer messes, I am the lowest of the low. With contractors, I am a freaking pony with "Kan Me" on my forehead. Why is dialect so important for the Singaporean male? Primarily, it establishes street cred. Denizens from below must look up to you before any female will find you worth apprising. Importantly, also, dialect is crass; crassness establishes contrast, and in contrast we find admiration.

12. Must not be below PES B

Or at least finish normal BMT like everyone else. Nobody really knows whether OCS or SISPEC is tougher, so you can elide that easily.

If you had a buay gan army life, try not to talk about it at all. Girls know one. They all have "a friend" who was a commando-officer-parakeet. They will compare you like they compare their Prada bag with the other girl's Miu Miu. Don't become an object!

If you were a star in the army, also don't talk too much about it. Girls just want to know that you were good, and that you were not a jellyfish. The rest is still for you to prove - funny, rich, smart etc. Prove it.

13. Must have "ambition" and "passion"

Most Singaporean girls have a vague notion that their man should be "successful" or aim for success of some sort. For themselves, they have less concrete ambitions. Use this to your advantage. However, only hint (not talk) about your plans. For instance:

Girl: So, what's next for you?

You: I've had several offers... well, we'll just see where it goes. I have a pretty clear idea of what I want though.

Girl: What's that?

You: Haha, it will bore you. Let's not talk about me. Do you like baby blue or pink?

Once they know you have "plans", they will stick with you, regardless of what those "plans" are. Make sure you always have "an idea" of what you are going to do. When in doubt, obfuscate and pass off a successful person's life as your own.

14. Must say nearly every other girl is "cannot make it"

This is by far the MOST IMPORTANT ITEM on the list. Singaporean girls like a guy who has "standards". Secretly, the standard for every girl is HERSELF. This is not a cardinal scale, there is no relativity. Instead, on this mystery scale there is THE GIRL IN QUESTION, and then EVERY OTHER FEMALE ON EARTH. She will make cursory concessions for Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox (the latter usually grudgingly), of course, but DO NOT BE FOOLED. She just wants you to think that SHE is the prettiest and THAT IS IT!!!

If, however, you are unable to lie barefacedly, you might want to go with a less extreme approach. You must say that girls SHE LIKES AS PEOPLE are pretty. NEVER SAY THAT PRETTY GIRLS ARE PRETTY! Girls are unable to divorce looks from personality. It would be unwise to do so, therefore, in their presence. A good sample discussion would run as follows:

Girl: Do you think Girl X (ugly but liked) is pretty?

You: Yes, she has a certain je ne sais quoi that I find charming.

Girl: (pleased) Really ah? I think so too! Not like that Girl Y (pretty but disliked).

You: Oh, Girl Y. Cannot make it lah. Act cute buay cute.

Girl: (ready to give you blowjob liao) I ALSO SAY!

Have you ever noticed that girls thought pretty by other girls are really not pretty at all? And hot, sexy girls are almost always labelled "sluts", as if that were a bad thing? Important hint: Do not address the girl on these points. She does not want to confront her inner evolutionary demons.

Well, that's the list. A tall order? Yes, but a worthwhile endeavour, if we are not to lose all our women to the cast of The Last Airbender. We can make it one.

"I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised God doesn't work that way. So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness."

疯神无双 疯秘笈

比大小

是一种最简单分出胜负的
扑克牌玩法

但除了扑克牌以外
还有其它东西可以比

例如男生就可以比肌...

肉的大小

女生就可以比兄...

弟姐妹有几个

可以说是

最快分出胜负的一种比法

FHM 100 Sexiest Women Party 2011

i covered this event courtesy of xinmsn, and talked to Kim Lee, George Young, Stephanie Carrington, Sarah Tan, Rebecca Tan, Adele Wong and Lynn Tan.

Kim Lee is the best person to have a hangover with!

FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2011!

forgive the hyperlinks, i dont know where the embed functions went.

疯神无双 疯秘笈

姜

姜是一种辛香料

早採的薑是嫩姜

晚採的姜是老姜

如果姜切成了丝

就成了姜丝

如果把姜分的很平均
就成了姜均

如果把姜切成四块
那就成了 姜 姜 姜 姜

Praised by the Wise

"Satipathana is in line with our Western scientific attitude of mind in that it is unprejudiced, objective and analytical. It relies on personal, direct experience, and not on anyone else's ideas or opinions. It therefore explores all premature judgments, all arguments, discussions and such waste of time as we in the West are inclined to be fond of. In fact, it gets you out of the rut and bondage of yourself, your prejudices, your cliches, your blindness and your self-opinionatedness, to set you free to see and prove a real world."

Dr E Graham Howe, British physician

The Da Vinci Shroud

since the Middle Ages, millions of Catholics have venerated the Shroud of Turin, believed to be the burial cloth that accompanied Jesus Christ after his crucifixion. its fame and holy stature come from it being a rare, physical memento of his human form, and it is the single most controversial piece of artefact in the history of man.

 

In 1898 a photographer discovered a more visible face of Jesus in the negative of his photos taken of the Shroud, throwing the holy cloth into further fame.

the Vatican has chosen to not comment on the Shroud's authenticity, but considers it an item of the Church and allows followers to idolise it.

after questions arose about it in the 20th century, the Vatican granted permission for a small piece of the cloth to be cut for carbon-dating. results from three independent, authoritative labs announced in 1988 ascertained it belonged to 1260-1390. from then the Shroud has been declared a fake, although there are still many believers.

some questions that were raised about it included that if it was Jesus' burial cloth wrapped around him, geometrically the impressions left on it should be warped, and not a nice-looking portrait. recent discoveries also compared the intricately-weaved cloth to other textiles found from the same period of time that are much simpler. this strengthened the argument that it was created much later than Jesus' death. scientists have also reproduced the Shroud with more than one feasible technique, including painting, photography and Maillard reaction.

but it was a masterpiece, nonetheless. the Shroud has fooled the whole world for generations, and i suspect will intrigue us for many more. forensic experts have verified how detailed and accurate the physical trauma shows on the man in the cloth, including around the eyes, the multiple wounds on the back, and of course the famous nail in the hand. scientists also claim only the work of a genius can fool them for so long. until 1978, an American study still called the production of the Shroud "a mystery".

who in medieval times was capable of pulling off a scam so perfect it has set scientists on a wild goose chase up till today?

Leonardo Da Vinci (1452-1519) is widely regarded as the most superior polymath in mankind's history. he was a puzzle of both an artist and a scientist, an architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, geologist, botanist and writer.

but he was also remembered for being a heretic, for distancing himself from the Church's doctrines, which the Renaissance Man felt was antiquated and restrictive. at the same time, Da Vinci was considered centuries ahead of his own time, a modern man who shaped much of modern discourse. combining the two, it is no wonder many conspiracy theorists believe the genius, sometimes considered a master forger, created the Shroud of Turin and has fooled the world for hundreds of years.

these theorists say Da Vinci's quest was to mock religion. by creating an idol that would be fervently and unquestionably worshipped by millions, he would have achieved debunking and exposing religion as mass superstition.

Lynn Picknett, a Shroud researcher, said: "The faker of the shroud had to be a heretic, someone with no fear of faking Jesus’ holy redemptive blood. He had to have a grasp of anatomy and he had to have at his fingertips a technology which would completely fool everyone until the 20th century."

if he's still alive, he would be most proud of his achievements. the Shroud has a lasting legacy. before it, images of Jesus came in all forms - clean shaven, short haired. but the Shroud provided the most definitive face of Christ, and left its mark as the prototype to follow.

 

don't the timelines not match? although Da Vinci lived approximately a century later, some believe in his great fraud he would have ensured he acquired a considerably old cloth.

as the Shroud is seemingly a negative, one recent theory by Professor Nicholas Allen is that it was created through photography. far-fetched, you say? not really, considering the camera obscura, the modern-day camera's ancestor, was available in Da Vinci's time. further strengthening the theory is the Florentian's well-known obsession with optics.

so we're there. the forger had to have a grasp of physics, art and human anatomy. not forgetting a rigorous contempt of religion. Da Vinci was the perfect man.

if not Jesus, who is the face then? recent analysis by scholars have gone even further. we now all know Da Vinci made the world wonder (stupidly) at the immense beauty of Mona Lisa, when it is in fact his self-portrait. in his effort to make a joke out of Christianity, Da Vinci used his face again for the Shroud, as found by Dr Lillian Schwartz, the woman who made the Mona Lisa discovery. computer analysis showed that the face is an exact replica of his own features.

with that, he became God.

UPDATE
in recent years, more evidence leaning towards the argument that the Shroud is genuine has been found. one is that the 1988 test was flawed, since the corner that was cut could have been contaminated as the Shroud has gone through so much over the years. another is the discovery of Jesus' nearly-invisible death certificate on the cloth, a contemporary Jewish practice.

疯神无双 疯秘笈

尿壺

用來尿尿的壺就叫尿壺

又称夜壺

用來泡茶的壺就叫茶壺

用來泡咖啡的壺就叫咖啡壺

相公还喊自摸

那是诈胡

过年红包钱被妈妈收走

那是不舒服

Bill Gates' 11 Rules

one-time richest man in the world Bill Gates purportedly made a speech that outlined 11 rules you wont learn in school.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rainforest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

relative pricing

Once, at a party, George Bernard Shaw asked a beautiful woman to go to bed with him for £1000.

The woman hesitated for a while but finally agreed.

He then asked if she would go to bed with him for £10. She exclaimed, "Do you take me for a whore?"

He replied, "M'am, we both know what you are. We're just establishing the price."

Doctrines and Shit

Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius says, "Shit happens."

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.

Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.

Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.

Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.

Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!

Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Creationism: God made all shit.

Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.

Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.

Utopianism: This shit does not stink.

Darwinism: This shit was once food.

Capitalism: That's MY shit.

Communism: It's everybody's shit.

Feminism: Men are shit.

Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...

Commercialism: Let's package this shit.

Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.

Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.

Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?

Stoicism: This shit is good for me.

Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!

Mormonism: God sent us this shit.

Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.

Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.

Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.

Agnostic #2: What is this shit?

Atheism: What shit?

Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.

Nihilism: No shit.

Praised by the Wise

"Whoever attentively reads a small number of the countless speeches of Buddha is soon aware of harmony in them, a quietude of soul, a smiling transcendence, a totally unshakeable firmness, but also invariable kindness, endless patience.

The intellectual content of Buddha's teaching is only half his work, the other half is his life, his life as lived, as labour accomplished and action carried out. A spiritual self training of the highest order was accomplished and is taught here, a training about which unthinking people who talk about 'quietism' and 'Hindu dreaminess' and the like in connection with Buddha have no conception; they deny him the cardinal Western virtue of activity. Instead Buddha accomplished a training for himself and his pupils, exercised a discipline, set up a goal, and produced results before which even the genuine heroes of European action can only feel awe."

Herman Hesse, German writer and Nobel laureate

a food entry oh gosh

this is not a food blog and im not a food blogger. but i feel i need to do justice to a place i just patronised.

it was my mum's birthday dinner and i suggested Prince Coffee House, or 太子咖啡座, an old-school fusion joint i saw on tv that somehow decided to freeze itself in the 70s, when it first opened at Shaw Towers.

yes. neatly arranged tables with cushion chairs from the 70s. red-white checkered placemats. a full set of cutlery regardless of what you're eating, probably for convenience' sake. an antique cash register.

from the 70s.

pardon me, cos you see, the place isnt just retro. or, it isnt retro for the sake of retro. it really is the 70s (forgivable too if labelled 80s). the props and the atmosphere bring you back to your parents' younger days, when they were having all the fun.

the place is also adorned full, due to their Shaw connection, with pictures of the owners in their younger days serving superstars of yesteryear 林青霞, 秦汉, 刘文正 and 林凤娇.

Prince Coffee House was featured as a 老字号 on a food program. dont mess with them when it comes to that title. yes we've all heard of stalls that date back half a century. but this place kept everything a carbon copy of Day One. the founders still personally serve customers, albeit a little more wrinkled. the man of the house insists on preparing daily their signature stewed oxtail. the menu and the presentation remain exactly the same.

when my brother sat down, he developed a hunch - this turned out to be his old haunt at Coronation Plaza when he was schooling at NJC (writer's note: many of you will remember it if you hung around Bukit Timah much some years back. Prince is now tucked away amidst the shisha outlets at Arab Street, much nearer to their old iconic location). he immediately struck up a conversation with the extremely pleasant boss, recalling how when he and his mates celebrated birthdays there, the towkay-neo would get them to pick 4-d numbers.

but my point is, this is nothing. the tv show featured generations of families who grew up and grew old eating here.

by this point, i was already consumed by the history and magic of the place.

the moment we sat down, the boss, a man well past 70, quietly and gently went around placing brochure-like cardboard menus (old-school!) in front of each of us. this was the longtime owner, serving brats like me and my sis. i was truly humbled.

with the ice broken the mood livened up, helped by the fact my mum likes to talk to new people. strangely, even as the owners were being so hospitable, my gut tells me "no, im sure they're nice to everyone."

dinner hadn't started and im already won over. good game.

but it's only just beginning, trust me. somehow guessing we're damn hungry (it was 830pm) and cos we'd only just ordered, the boss served complimentary garlic bread.

now where did that come from. this isnt some upmarket restaurant, it's a coffeehouse, for goodness' sake.

and this kicked off my parents' falling in love with the place. more than just the decor, this appetiser and all the food that followed are, according to them (and the helpful tv hosts), a kickback to the origins of "Western food" in Singapore - meat drenched in some oriental sauce, paired with lightly boiled greens, for example.

we noticed it's branded a Hainanese-Western fusion coffeehouse. huh? my mum duly explained the Hainanese interacted a lot with the British during colonial times. so maybe, what we know today as "Western food" may have Hainanese influences, just like Hainanese food could be westernised.

i ordered the highly-rated beef horfun and stewed oxtail. the latter is superb, period. the former, ordinary as it looked, had horfun so perfectly cooked prominent food blog ieatishootipost called it "gem of a find" and "finally managed to find what i was looking for". and the beef, oh man. how something so inconspicuous on the plate is such a star confounds me. hear this: apparently they fly in US beef for their horfun.

still, i should mention the beef horfun stood out probably for flipping expectations - it looked that dull. but put beside the best, like the one in Geylang, it probably has to concede.

my sis had tried the chicken cutlet at CP, so we got that too. this easily walloped the Hainanese pork chop in my opinion. mad succulent and flavorful, while the chops are typically drenched in ketchup, not the kind i like considering ive tried many good Hainanese pork chops.

the kailan was fine, but their 铁板豆腐 is the messiest 铁板豆腐 ive seen. in a completely positive way. it's got tofu, egg, prawns, fish slices, different kinds of mushroom, onion, celery, carrot, capsicum, black fungus, coriander... (i only remember these). it was like a pot of potluck.

thoroughly satisfying.

oh have i mentioned cos my brother finished his barley so quick, the nice owner replaced his glass with iced water, again quietly.

and, wait for it. we were done and dusted, when he popped up again with complimentary ice cream for each of us! not just was it super (it's coconut i think), according to my folks it's also similar to old times at coffeehouses!

that's it, free desserts done, pay up and leave.

wrong.

as if in a contest to outdo himself, the boss had prepared at the door a bag of yam cake, another signature, for us.

i wanna conclude this post, but im trying to gather myself, why am i writing it? i realised i might not be objective enough. but i also conclude im writing a tribute piece after a great dining experience, an experience the sum of all that happened at Prince, be it the food or being treated like, yes, family.

Prince Coffee House, the epitome... no, the crowning glory of early-Singapore Western fare.

p.s. readers are warned that some prices are steep. stewed oxtail for example is $20 and pork chop is $12. our bill came up to $90 for 5pax.

p.p.s then again our $80 meal last week was crap.
p.p.p.s. we got home to realise via the receipt they didnt charge us for our six big portions of rice.