standing still alone in the busy streets

an end to a year, a countdown, and a new year. this time i had no one and wanted to be with no one. has it always been like tt coz i dun remember much about celebrating new year, or is it just tragic? am i supposed to have company during sucha time of e year? did i in e past?

i said i wanted to be with no one coz of how im feeling. but no, there's definitely someone i wanna be with.

i almost stayed in hall alone for e crossover to 2009. i thot it would be quite a memory, a new year when i stayed alone in hall. given e circumstances, there's more reason for me to do so, and it would be quite a new year.

but mabel didnt allow it and forced me to join some of e hall peeps at david's house for e occasion. it was a fair mix of people from hall though it was visible e bulk were his Year 3 clique. i didnt wanna go coz i wasnt invited directly, most of my close hall frens wernt going, and im not v close to e people there. but im still thankful to him for having e party and being sucha generous host. it wasnt great, but it was still something to remember this new year with.

if not there would be just two choices: lounge at home with e family, or emo alone in hall. i thot e former wouldn't mean much anyway, tt's why i almost stayed in campus. i think tt would really gimme e most of emotions, given e occasion and my circumstances.

people say it's a bad thing to try to kill myself like tt but i think it's fine, really. i need e catharsis. it's time.