不退菩萨为伴侣

it was 32 hours after she departed a world that gave her 93 years of ups and downs, joy and sorrow. that brought her from birthplace Pulin, China to what was in her time an island called Nanyang. a life marked by many people who passed her. some of them made a difference. some, she made a difference to.

us, her family.

the late Ah Gong, who took the earlier train 6 years ago.

me, a grandson she deeply loved, who loved her just as much but maybe not enough.



Ah Ma was already well resting in what would be her little shell of comfort for a few days and nights. days and nights which will surely prove inadequate for the people she breathed life into to accompany her in a last walk.

i picked up a joss stick. familiar, i thought, this Chinese routine. but facing me was the peaceful photo of someone who was alive. a gentle woman known for her good nature, doggedness, impartiality and embrace for all, whose smile is still vivid whenever i close my eyes.

whatever i say, however i wax, im never gonna do justice to a lady i never knew fully. she's only an Ah Ma to me.

but that was all she needed to be. and for that, i dare cry out loud, she did a hell of a job.

what i remember of her? Ah Ma just wanted to love. everyone around her. in some irrational way u could almost say she had too much of that, more than enough for people like us. i'll never forget how she always held our hands. tightly, like she'd never see us again. Ah Gong was colder to most (though i was one of his favorites), but Ah Ma holds everyone's hand. she'd grab us, pull us in, and hug us. it felt like she wouldn't let go. but it was fine, "it's ok, Ah Ma". this isnt some childhood memory; she did this regardless of how big we've grown into. i remember my pre-school days with her, but she still did it when i was turning into a man in army.

her cooking. the sweet deep-fried chicken. the mini pink tangyuan and traditional Teochew kueh she spent whole days doing. even her instant noodles for me in the hungry afternoons after kindergarten were special.

from seeing her everyday, to weekly visits, to no more her in my usual routine, up till her passing. it's something to mourn, but the person should be celebrated too. she is one person i know who truly loved me, and selfless at that. ask yourself, how many such people do you have in your one short life? people come and go, but why be bothered with someone who doesn't or no longer loves you? you should really mourn if someone who loves you leaves.

melodic chants and light cymbals, i sat there silent, hoping to find the peace Ah Ma has lived with in all her good years. this is for her, the least we can do. a wake brings together loved ones for a deserving tribute. i felt a quiet sadness. images of sending Ah Gong off came back. then i looked out of the little hut with faint-coloured pillars, surely a pit-stop for Ah Ma.

and i smiled. one of genuine, moving serenity. this phase is over, but i know she's reunited with with her husband of 71 years, at someplace we may never know. she's caught up. i hope they're happy there.

My Ah Gong and Ah Ma. the greatest ever.