the most complicated game on earth

Rules of the Game

Introduction

Before we start, let's get one thing straight. This is not rugby league. This is not the bash-it-up, kick-it-on-the-sixth-tackle drudgery. This is something more aesthetic, more operatic, more hands-on, more international. This is rugby union. This is leather-patches, smoking jackets, cognac after dinner. This is a barbaric sport played by gentlemen, unlike rugby league, which is a barbaric sport played by barbarians. Yes, you've got the drift. And like any acquired taste, it requires a crash-course to work out what all these silly diversions, odd interruptions and strange names mean. Just be patient, because soon you will also be swilling the cognac around in the mouth, rather than spitting it out.

The aim of the game

Although rugby union appears a weird cross of world championship wrestling, Aussie Rules, rugby league, Gaelic football, netball, trampolining and anything else lacking logic, its prime purpose is simple - to get through the opposition's defence and place the ball over their try-line. Sounds simple, but it is as difficult as taking a screamer in the goal-square, then kicking the goal on the run over your left shoulder. No wonder everyone wets their pants when a try is scored.

The number of players - and their roles

Unlike rugby league, which has 13 players, there are 15 in union, comprising eight forwards and seven backs. Forwards are far more important in union because the scrum, which is a joke in league, is a vital attacking and psychological tool, and many Test matches are determined by what happens at the rucks and mauls, and in the lineouts. How dominant the backs are in a match, and how much space and time they have to work with is determined by the dominance of the forwards and the scrum. When a team's forwards are on top, it will invariably win. When the pack is shunted all over the paddock, massive losses are inevitable. Sixteen forwards bashing their heads into each other is somewhat uncouth, but it does mean something. It is the crux of the matter. Just nod accordingly.

The laws

Yes there are some. Many, actually. But most are too bewildering to attempt to fathom. So it is better for the uninitiated that we go on to the next subject - as one needs several million words even to attempt to explain most of them. If you find yourself confused during a game, you're not alone - most of the players are confused by interpretations of the rules as well. To avoid blank looks on the big night, just remember these three simple laws: a player cannot pass the ball forward; you don't laugh when New Zealand does the haka; the All Blacks always win.

Who plays where?

The muscle-men in the forward pack are the two props and one hooker, who make up the front row. The acrobats are the two second rowers (or locks), whose prime aim is to win the lineouts, which are elaborate versions of a throw-in, where instead of players spreading out you have 16 trying to elbow each other out of the way. The backrowers - a No.8 and two flankers - are the ruck-rovers of the team, whose prime aim is to gather the loose ball, be here, there and everywhere, and win the scraps.

The midget is the halfback, who tosses the ball into the scrum, and acts as the link between the forwards and the backs. He dives a lot. He does that because it looks good. The flyhalf is the organiser, deciding whether the team adopts a kicking game, or a ball-in-hand attacking game through the use of his two centres, who stand outside him. The wingers are the show-ponies, supposedly the fastest players in the team who finish off attacking movements with tries. The full-back is, as the term states, the last line of defence. But a full-back is often a full-forward as well - frequently being used as an unexpected attacking weapon.

Rucks and mauls

Unlike rugby league, in which a player who is tackled is allowed to hold the ball, return to his feet, and play the ball to a teammate, in rugby union the game continues. A player when tackled has to release the ball near him on the ground, which prompts each team's forwards to jump all over him in a bid to retain possession or to wrest it away. There are several ways the forwards can attack from this position: they can set up a ruck, which means the forwards reef the ball back with their feet, to start another phase of play; or they can start a maul, where they conduct an elaborate game of pass the parcel by keeping the ball in hand and transferring it from player to player. Many times the players will go into the tackle with the prime aim of setting up a rolling maul, or a ruck, believing it is the way to drive through an opposition pack. As you will discover, most of the game's penalties revolve around this area, because players do all sorts of sneaky things when they believe the referee will not see them under a pile of bodies. Indiscretions include wrongly jumping on top of each other, being off-side, using their hands when they are supposed to use only their feet, collapsing, and so on. This is a pandora's box.

Lineouts

One of the most spectacular parts of the game, even if it makes little sense. Lineouts also have the desired effect of giving the backs extra room to run around in, which they love. Backs just hate being cramped by the forwards.

The Referee

The guy with the whistle and different jersey is the referee (universally known as 'Mr Ref'). He is hated by everyone (players, spectators and officials), has never seen a rule book, and is usually the reason why teams lose.

If you have difficulty in identifying this guy, look out for the one at which spectators shout things like "phone call, Mr. Ref!", or "you left your spectacles in the dressing room!", or "since when is the rule book available in braille?" However, should a player make one of these remarks, you will recognise the referee as the one walking towards that player's try line with one arm in the air for 10 paces (and the player most probably towards the dressing room).

If you really want to make sure about the referee, you can try and find him in the referee's dressing room. Make sure you do this before the match starts. Afterwards he will either be locked inside (either by himself, or the players - most probably from both teams), or will be surrounded by an entire police force.

Touch Judges

There are 2 touch judges, or linesmen at a match. The touch judge usually carries a flag. He is a qualified referee (a misnomer - see 'referee') and normally from the home side, except in major matches, when he is supposed to be neutral (in which case he spins a coin to deside on whose side he is). His main duty is to hang out the said flag to point out to the referee the sins of the team that he opposes on the particular day. He also instructs the referee what punishment to dish out (presumably because the referee is blind, and therefore cannot read the rule book, which he does not possess, as said before).

Another important duty is to indicate whether a kick at goal is good. He does this by not actually watching the ball, but the other touch judge (who again is watching him), and then sticking his flag in the air (when the kick is good), or keeping it down. The referee invariably makes his own decision, since one flag is always up and the other kept down. This decision is a very tricky one since the referee is blind.

Finally, in case the referee is injured (or decided to leave early) he is replaced by one of the touch judges, at which point the visiting captain normally leads his team off the field for a few beers. Although they are trailing far behind, the score will be more respectable.

The touch judge also must from time to time interrupt a good game to claim his share of TV attention. He will then stand with the flag held out for a looong time. Till all come back to HIM. He will then tell the ref about some thing utterly horrible and totally unjust that he had to witness. The ref will then reverse probably the best play of the day and punish the side that started to play the game very well. The TV will then spend some time trying to figure out what the fuck the idiot saw. This creates a gap for the commentators to say things like "Well, he is down on the field and probably saw something...."

The linesman / touch judge's most important function is however to carry the shame of the losings sides' fans. He was crooked and that is why they lost. The winning side will then find instances to prove that he was even more shit. They should have scored another try as well. Without him the fans will have to find the reasons on the field.

Positions

Forwards

Easily recognisable by their cauliflower ears, facial scars and rippling biceps, although nowadays the ability to pass and keep up with play is important.

Props (Nos 1 and 3) - Large, but beautifully eloquent young men who, literally, prop up the scrum, the bar and any of their drunken team-mates after the match. Have the copyright on Mr Potatoheads thanks to the amorphous shape of their ears, nose and, for some unknown reason their knuckles. These warm, friendly chaps go through life with healthy, albeit often toothless, smiles. In general they are slightly overweight, although they prefer the term "solid." Like many forwards, they dream of one day hitting a drop goal in a real game and practice the skill diligently in training.

Hooker (No 2) - Known for his crafty ways and cauliflower ears, he's tart of the team whose actual role is to throw the ball to someone who's not expecting it in the line-out and hook it back with his feet in the scrum. Is the centre-piece of the front row, but has recently made bids for any of the backs' jobs by expanding his repertoire to include kicking, sprinting and being able to pass the ball.

Locks (Nos 4 and 5) - The abnormally tall chaps are strong and jump unfeasibly high to catch the ball in line-outs. They also get a kick out of sticking their hands between the legs and down the shorts of their stockier comrades in the front row. Also called the second row, they are known for their strength and athleticism, although not necessarily for their intellect. Most were not actually born slow; it is apparent, however, that years of jamming their heads between the front row's asses have taken a toll on their mental capacities. Nevertheless, locks remain an essential part of scrums and lineouts and are indispensable in rucking and ball possession. May come across as being slightly gormless, but become everyone's best mate in a crowded bar when getting beers or when a fight breaks out.

Flankers (Nos 6 and 7) - Used to play second row at school but stopped growing too early, although they may still feel the urge to jump for the ball in line-outs. They come in two forms - openside and blindside - depending on how quickly they can peel away from the scrum and whether or not they want to get their hair ruffled in rucks and mauls. These athletic machines have all the speed, talent, and skill of backs, but would rather enjoy the brutality of the scrum than sit idly by and watch the proceedings. They are confident, although not nearly as cocky as the backs, and they take great pride in flattening opposing scrum halfs, even if the hit is late. Such an honor is reserved for flankers because they are the most versatile players on the field, capable of producing awe-inspiring runs, running smart support lines, or playing hard-nosed defense if needed. Can tackle like demons and like to work in threes (with the No 8), chatting up the barmaid, mainly.

No.8 (No 8) - Known better as the number eight because whoever came up with the position names ran out of ideas by this time. Not big enough to be a second row and not fast enough to be a flanker. But he does share many of the versatile and athletic traits of the flankers. He may be seen running over opposing forwards, rucking for the otherwise helpless backs, or making booming hits in the open field. He has the speed to run around the defense, but would rather run over them if presented with the option. Reputedly a tough fellow, he bravely sticks his head in at back of the scrum and upsets the scrum-half by ignoring his call for the ball and going for glory himself. Bit of a loose cannon - given half a chance he'll drop a goal, a punch or his studs on the opposition.

Backs

These are the chaps who go off the pitch with their kit as clean as it was when they went on. Thus the labels of "pretty boys", "girlie backs" or "nancies".

Scrum-half (No 9) - Endearingly known as the "cocky little git with the big mouth" who, because they are the link between the forwards and the backs, is usually the first player grounded and receiving physio. He is scrappy and loud, and doesn’t shy away from a fight. In fact, he starts them most of the time. This sometimes gets him into trouble because he is too small to finish an altercation: usually a forward is required to intervene and save him. Has to have excellent hands and the ability to run around the pitch like a headless chicken, knocking the obstructing referee out of the way at every given opportunity. A good number nine will rake mercilessly and punch opposing players in the face. His passing and kicking skills are developed by necessity only. In reality, he is a forward trapped in a back’s body and would stick his nose in the scrums if allowed.

Fly-half (No 10) - The cockiest man on the field. Supposedly the bloke who can kick - well, a bit at least - as a result of which they either get all the glory or become the only possible reason why the team lost. The fly half supposedly leads the backs and directs the flow of the game, but he is usually found screaming out incoherent orders and yelling at others to ruck so he doesn’t have to. Often prone to attacks of self-preservation, which he'd rather call "creativity" - the sight of the opposition's forwards heading in his general direction makes him change what he was about to do and kick for touch (usually missing), therefore confusing his back line who are waiting to follow his original instructions.

Centres (Nos 12 and 13) - Hard tackling, deft running and a neat hairstyle usually does the trick. A good line in banter often helps as they work together to make up the rules in total disregard for whatever they're told by the fly-half. The inside center carries the ball far too often due to his proximity to the fly half.

Wingers (Nos 11 and 14) - Excluding the odd New Zealander, these boys are the failed hurdlers and sprinters with the figure which would look good in those lovely lycra suits. These speed demons hang around the outskirts of the action so as to keep their uniforms clean. Tend to miss the ball whenever it comes to them because they're trying to put their gloves on as they've been standing in no-man's land for however long watching everyone else run around. On occasion, they have a chance to break for long runs and excite the crowd, although more often than not they are tackled quickly or pushed out of bounds. Their weak statures also mean they tend to be injured quite easily. Wings look more like soccer players than rugby players, and always have over-inflated egos. On the occasion the forwards provide them with an easy opportunity to score, the wings take all the credit.

Full-back (No 15) - as he's the last line of defence, it helps if he can catch the ball or the oncoming opponent, although he frequently misses both, but is quite cute so the crowd try and cheer him up. The fullback’s status as a rugby player is questionable as he spends the majority of the game spectating from afar.

Rugby Survival Guide for Rugby Neophytes

Your first game

Let's keep it simple at the beginning.

1. Hit anything that is carrying the ball.

2. When you get the ball run like hell.

Subtleties of the Game

The Ruck: This is a situation where 3 to 20 people pile on top of the tackled player. The play is whistled by the the referee when all the air has been compressed out of the tackled player's lungs.

The Maul: Instead of being tackled to ground, the player is kept on his feet by the tacklers. The object is to bend as many of the ball carrier's fingers away from the ball. The play is whistled by the referee after the first cracking sound.

The Lineout: When the ball goes out of the playing area a "throw in" is awarded. The object is to elbow the opposing player's face while attempting to catch the ball.

Scrum: The eight forwards bind together and push against the other forwards. The real objective is to give the backs a chance to catch their breath.

Sources:
The Weird World of Rugby (c) M.M. Roelofs, Amsterdam, NL
Ryan Rennaker